Amidst Suspension, Tank Finds Trouble

On Friday, Tank Johnson was arrested for speeding and DUI to the slightest degree. Ensuing charges are irrelevant. Johnson’s situation required exemplary behavior. Instead, Johnson mirrored “Pacman” Jones. Why are athletes oblivious? Why do they ignore circumstances? Johnson should have silently endured. Instead, he flouted punishment. Given his arrogance, Tank merits an additional reprimand.

Hazardous Duke

On Friday, Tampa Bay Devil Rays outfielder Elijah Dukes was rendered temporarily inactive. Recently, Dukes threatened his wife. Allegedly, he also impregnated a teenager. Dukes’ career is finished. He is a marginal talent. Marginal talents are not worth this. As previously stated, eviction trumps rehabilitation.

Maroth Misstep

On Friday, the Detroit Tigers traded pitcher Mike Maroth to the St. Louis Cardinals. The aforesaid generated Kenny Rogers’ roster spot. Last evening, Rogers was brilliant. With that stated, he is aging. Quality pitching is imperative. Given their injuries, Detroit’s decision was a mistake.

Monologue Joke of the Evening

“According to a study, first born children are smarter. You know who I feel sorry for? Jessica Simpson’s little sister, Ashlee.”

The Tonight Show

NEW RULE

Teenagers act irresponsible.

According to a study, teenagers consume alcohol, discuss drugs, and have sex. What are we proving next? The sky is blue? Water is wet? Prior to thinking, teenagers act. They desire fun. They ignore consequences. Teenagers act inappropriately with friends. They talk inappropriately with friends. Why? They cannot talk or act inappropriately with parents. Teenagers are juvenile. America knows this. A study was not required.

Worth A Read

Facebook Foxes

Spotlighting those with beauty and brains. Submissions welcome.

The Daily Smak

A forty year old teacher and his sixteen year old former student have married. The traditional bride and groom gifts? Old Navy and Budweiser.

Jason Giambi will cooperate with baseball’s steroids investigation. Who knew Commissioner Kermit the Frog could threaten?

On Thursday, the Senate increased fuel economy standards. Simultaneously, the House reversed America’s foreign aid contraception ban. Watching this Congress mirrors banging your head into a wall. They advance nothing and they make our heads hurt.

Monologue Joke of the Evening

“According to Cathy Hilton, Paris is spending all her time in jail staring at the ceiling. So, it’s like she’s dating again.”

The Tonight Show

What Part of Veto (Don’t They Understand)

On Thursday, the Senate increased fuel economy standards. Simultaneously, the House reversed America’s foreign aid contraception ban. Predictably, vetoes await each. Is Congress stupid?

J-S-G Gets P-A-I-D

On Thursday, the Anaheim Ducks retained goalie Jean-Sebastien Giguere. Giguere signed a 4-year, $24 million contract. Giguere is the Ducks’ cornerstone. His retention was critical. I applaud the Ducks. They did not hesitate. They dismissed ego and cemented their foundation.

Giambi Will Meet Mitchell

Jason Giambi: "I alone am responsible for my actions and I apologize to the commissioner, the owners and the players for any suggestion that they were responsible for my behavior. I will address my own personal history regarding steroids. I will not discuss in any fashion any other individual. A direct conversation the commissioner impressed upon me the idea that the game of baseball would be best served by such a meeting. I will continue to do what I think is right and be candid about my past history regarding steroids. I have never blamed anyone nor intended to deflect blame for my conduct.”

You are responsible for your actions? You are responsible for exhuming a corpse. You will discuss your history? Why? You will not discuss other individuals? Why not? A direct conversation impressed you? Commissioner Bud Selig threatened you. Jason, you should have balked. Selig’s investigation is insulting. You are now pathetic.

“A True Original”

Bob Evans
(1918-2007)

Girardi: No, O’s

On Thursday, Joe Girardi rebuffed the Baltimore Orioles. He will not become their manager. Girardi’s decision is admirable. Foolishly, managers clutch opportunities. They do not consider a team’s constitution or reputation. The Orioles are pathetic. They will not improve. Girardi’s decision was brilliant.

NEW RULE

Athletes should not ride motorcycles.

On Monday, LaVar Arrington wrecked his chopper. Previously, Ben Roethlisberger, Jay Williams, and Kellen Winslow also crashed. Athlete’s careers are fleeting. Their monetary window is miniscule. Given the aforesaid, motorcycles should be abandoned. They threaten lives. Injuries are an assumed risk. With that stated, they should not be invited. Athletes, bury the bikes.

Predictable & Pathetic

A Judiciary Committee web site is soliciting evidence. Said evidence will be “received and reviewed by a select group of members of the majority staff of the Judiciary Committee of the United States House of Representatives.”

Last fall, Democrats garnered a Congressional majority. They pledged honest governance. Their partisan politics are shameful and unsurprising.

The Daily Smack

On Wednesday, two New York children were charged with screaming. I understand silence is golden. However, this is ridiculous.

The USC Trojans have recruited a fourteen-year-old point guard. The aforesaid is unsurprising. Today, the UCLA Bruins were recruiting preschoolers.

Finally, I tip the ol’ ball cap (Eventually, I will find the lid) to Terry Hoeppner. He was an exemplary individual.

Rejecting the Ridiculous

On Wednesday afternoon, William and Rachel Poczatek were charged with a noise ordinance violation. On Wednesday evening, said charges were dismissed. I applaud this decision. Occasionally, solutions are neither civil or criminal. America, quit acting stupid.

Internet’s Ten Most Hated Words

1. Folksonomy (web classification system)

2. Blogosphere

3. Blog

4. Netiquette (internet etiquette)

5. Blook (book based on blog)

6. Webinar (web seminar)

7. Vlog (video blog)

8. Social Networking

9. Cookie

10. Wiki

Bloomberg Sheds Skin, Again

On Monday, New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg deserted the Republican party. He became unaffiliated. Bloomberg is a chameleon. He is also an opportunist. Prior to 2001, he was a Democrat. His transfer involved the mayoral primary. This transfer involves the presidency. Bloomberg is not a viable Presidential candidate. He is a lightweight. He is punch line. He should not consider national office. America despises disloyalty and profligacy. Bloomberg is a traitor.

Officially: Pacman Facing Felony

On Wednesday, Adam “Pacman” Jones was charged with felony coercion. Allegedly, Jones bit a bouncer and threatened to kill club employees. Jones’ associates also fired several shots. On May 17, Jones was suspended for one season. During his career, Jones has been arrested on five occasions and interrogated on ten. Pacman has forfeited his chance. He has flouted the law. He has embarrassed his profession. Pacman warrants incarceration. His career is finished.

McPhail Mirage?

On Wednesday, the Baltimore Orioles hired Andy McPhail. McPhail will serve as President of Baseball Operations. McPhail’s hiring is cosmetic. As previously stated, Owner Peter Angelos is a debacle. Consistently, he has interfered with operations. McPhail may succeed. However, the aforesaid is doubtful.

AFI’s 100 Greatest Movies

1. CITIZEN KANE
2. THE GODFATHER
3. CASABLANCA
4. RAGING BULL
5. SINGIN' IN THE RAIN
6. GONE WITH THE WIND
7. LAWRENCE OF ARABIA
8. SCHINDLER'S LIST
9. VERTIGO
10. THE WIZARD OF OZ
11. CITY LIGHTS
12. THE SEARCHERS
13. STAR WARS
14. PSYCHO
15. 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY
16. SUNSET BLVD.
17. THE GRADUATE
18. THE GENERAL
19. ON THE WATERFRONT
20. IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE
21. CHINATOWN
22. SOME LIKE IT HOT
23. THE GRAPES OF WRATH
24. E.T. THE EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL
25. TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD
26. MR. SMITH GOES TO WASHINGTON
27. HIGH NOON
28. ALL ABOUT EVE
29. DOUBLE INDEMNITY
30. APOCALYPSE NOW
31. THE MALTESE FALCON
32. THE GODFATHER PART II
33. ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST
34. SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS
35. ANNIE HALL
36. THE BRIDGE ON THE RIVER KWAI
37. THE BEST YEARS OF OUR LIVES
38. THE TREASURE OF THE SIERRA MADRE
39. DR. STRANGELOVE
40. THE SOUND OF MUSIC
41. KING KONG
42. BONNIE AND CLYDE
43. MIDNIGHT COWBOY
44. THE PHILADELPHIA STORY
45. SHANE
46. IT HAPPENED ONE NIGHT
47. A STREETCAR NAMED DESIRE
48. REAR WINDOW
49. INTOLERANCE
50. THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING
51. WEST SIDE STORY
52. TAXI DRIVER
53. THE DEER HUNTER
54. M*A*S*H
55. NORTH BY NORTHWEST
56. JAWS
57. ROCKY
58. THE GOLD RUSH
59. NASHVILLE
60. DUCK SOUP
61. SULLIVAN'S TRAVELS
62. AMERICAN GRAFFITI
63. CABARET
64. NETWORK
65. THE AFRICAN QUEEN
66. RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK
67. WHO'S AFRAID OF VIRGINIA WOOLF?
68. UNFORGIVEN
69. TOOTSIE
70. A CLOCKWORK ORANGE
71. SAVING PRIVATE RYAN
72. THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION
73. BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KID
75. THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS
75. IN THE HEAT OF THE NIGHT
76. FORREST GUMP
77. ALL THE PRESIDENT'S MEN
78. MODERN TIMES
79. THE WILD BUNCH
80. THE APARTMENT
81. SPARTACUS
82. SUNRISE
83. TITANIC
84. EASY RIDER
85. A NIGHT AT THE OPERA
86. PLATOON
87. 12 ANGRY MEN
88. BRINGING UP BABY
89. THE SIXTH SENSE
90. SWING TIME
91. SOPHIE'S CHOICE
92. GOODFELLAS
93. THE FRENCH CONNECTION
94. PULP FICTION
95. THE LAST PICTURE SHOW
96. DO THE RIGHT THING
97. BLADE RUNNER
98. YANKEE DOODLE DANDY
99. TOY STORY
100. BEN-HUR

Poor Payment Plan?

On Tuesday, New York City announced an anti-poverty program. The experimental endeavor will reward poor residents’ good behavior. Good behaviors include garnering employment ($150), visiting the doctor ($200), and excelling in school ($300).

This initiative is intriguing. The project has succeeded abroad. New York’s program is not liberalistic utopia. New York’s program is privately financed. Personally, I applaud the enterprise. Assuming results, this endeavor will alter poverty‘s dynamic. This endeavor will answer choices or circumstances.

Ella Sofia Gordon

Jeff Gordon: “It's been an absolutely incredible experience. Ingrid came through amazingly and we're both really happy and overjoyed. We can't wait to get home and start our lives together as a family.”

Congratulations Jeff

Sacramento Clowns

On Wednesday, the Sacramento Kings hired New Mexico State Coach Reggie Theus. Theus is an excellent college mentor. With that stated, he is a terrible hire. The Kings are decaying. They have rediscovered irrelevancy. They needed impact. Theus will not survive three seasons.

Catcher Tossed

On Wednesday, the Chicago Cubs traded catcher Michael Barrett to the San Diego Padres. As reciprocation, the Cubs received catcher Rob Bowen and minor league outfielder Kyler Burke. On June 1, Barrett and Carlos Zambrano clashed. Since this altercation, Barrett’s role has been reduced. Barrett was a cancer. He was an immense talent. However, he was not worth discord. Occasionally, eviction trumps rehabilitation.

NEW RULE

North Korea cannot be trusted.

On Monday, North Korea renounced their nuclear ambition. On Tuesday, they fired a missile toward Japan. North Korea will never relent. Bilateral negotiations, diplomatic opinions, and economic incentives are pointless. North Korea is deceitful. They will not be dissuaded. I am not advocating an attack. I am saying a resolution is impossible.

Foreign Idiocy

President Jimmy Carter: “All efforts of the international community should be to reconcile the two [Fatah and Hamas], but there's no effort from the outside to bring the two together. That action was criminal. The United States and Israel decided to punish all the people in Palestine and did everything they could to deter a compromise between Hamas and Fatah.”

Former President Carter is an ass. We should reconcile Fatah and Hamas? Fatah desires peace. Hamas covets Israel’s destruction. Isolating Hamas is beneficial. We were criminal? No President Carter. Cuddling terrorists is immoral. We are punishing Palestine? Palestine does not exist. Given your thinking, a two state solution is impossible.

Worth A Read

Deseret Spectacle

Chronicling the Beehive state. Celebrating their 1,000 post.

Profit Paving

On Tuesday, NBC News discussed the Trans-Texas corridor. This artery would reduce interstate traffic and interlink Texas cities with Mexico. Revenue is imperative. Infrastructure is vital. However, this project is terrible. This project will harm businesses. Texas’ ambitions are laudable. With that stated, mega-tolls are detrimental.

The Daily Smak

On Tuesday, the (sniff) Anna Nicole (sniff) judge resigned (waaaah). I’m apologize for crying, but he’s my role model.

Despite a promised veto, Congress passed another stem cell bill. If at first you don’t succeed, give up already!

Cycling (where urine means you’re out) has proposed a no-drug pledge. Riders would sign before competing. Are they serious? Obviously, riders would sign. First, they would inject. Then, they would sign.

Nifong Finished

On Monday afternoon, Mike Nifong officially resigned. He resigned effective July 13. On Monday evening, Judge Orlando Hudson foiled this farewell. He immediately suspended Nifong. I applaud Judge Hudson. Nifong was disbarred. He betrayed his office and the public’s trust. He flaunted ambition. He pandered to win an election. He exploited repugnant fears. He rejected exculpatory evidence. He ruined three lives. He ignored reality for bellicose and deceitful statements. Nifong does not deserve a month. He is a cancer. He merited prompt removal. I am elated Judge Hudson agrees.

A Liberating Victory

On Monday, the United States 6th Circuit Court of Appeals ruled e-mail enjoys a privacy expectation. Attorney Kevin Bankston labeled this decision important. Bankston is correct. The judiciary’s next twenty years is the internet. Instant messaging, social networking, and video privacy. These decisions will either empower or enslave America.

“One of the Great Role Models”

Terry Hoeppner
(1947-2007)

A Brave Nine

South Carolina Firefighters

Vatican’s Ten Commandments For Drivers

1. You shall not kill.

2. The road shall be for you a means of communion between people and not of mortal harm.

3. Courtesy, uprightness and prudence will help you deal with unforeseen events.

4. Be charitable and help your neighbor in need, especially victims of accidents.

5. Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination, and an occasion of sin.

6. Charitably convince the young and not so young not to drive when they are not in a fitting condition to do so.

7. Support the families of accident victims.

8. Bring guilty motorists and their victims together, at the appropriate time, so that they can undergo the liberating experience of forgiveness.

9. On the road, protect the more vulnerable party.

10. Feel responsible toward others.

Monologue Joke of the Evening

“Mike Nifong was disbarred for dishonesty, fraud, deceit and misrepresentation. Lawyers all over the country said, what? You can get disbarred for that?”

The Tonight Show

Three Dollar Pander

Citing high gas prices, Senator Byron Dorgan (D-ND) said America should not bolster our strategic petroleum reserve. Temporarily, Dorgan’s proposal is generous. However, the SPR exists for national emergencies. What if America is attacked? What if a catastrophic hurricane occurs? $3.00 would be inconceivable.

Guilty of Stupidity

Police are seeking Adam “Pacman” Jones. During a strip club altercation, Jones’ associates fired several shots. Jones was not present for the clash. Clearly, Jones is oblivious. On May 17, he was suspended for one season. Instead of silently serving, he attends a strip club. Pacman, will you ever learn?

You Thought HBO’s Ending Was Awful

Earning His Hate

On Monday, Yahoo CEO Terry Semel resigned. Since 2005, Yahoo’s stock has decreased 30%. Semel’s compensation? $71 million. Why executives are despised?

NEW RULE

Suspects are usually obvious.

In North Canton, Ohio, pregnant mother Jesse Marie Davis is missing. The media’s focus? Boyfriend Bobby Cutts Jr. Cutts has fathered Davis’ children. He is married with two children. Allegedly, he has a violent behavioral history. Suspects are not random. Occasionally, connected people are innocent. Unlike this one, they are usually not obvious. With that stated, suspects are not arbitrary gas station clerks. Frequently, the victims and them are connected.

Pro-Hamas, No Peace

On Monday, both the European Union and United States renewed direct Palestinian aid. This decision was correct. Concerning the peace process, Hamas dominated President Mahmud Abbas's government. With terrorists, peace is impossible.

The Daily Smak

Quick, someone name the job where you can get PAID and harm your company… Give up? Chief Executive Officer.

On Monday afternoon, Mike (prosecute always, facts never) Nifong resigned. He resigned effective July 13. He thought he’d leisurely say good-bye and enjoy his final days. On Monday evening, Judge Orlando Hudson foiled this farewell. He said Mike, out on the next thing smoking. Western, Delta, Continental, Amtrak, Greyhound, Avis rental.

Previously on Entourage, Pacman was suspended. He and his crew attended a strip club. Words were said. Shots were fired. Police requested Pacman for interview eleven. Advice for Pacman, cut loose your childhood friend, your wannabe suit, and all their drama.

O-rrendous

On Monday, the Baltimore Orioles fired Manager Sam Perlozzo. During his tenure, Perlozzo recorded a 122-164 ledger. Upon his firing, the Orioles stood 29-40. According to Perlozzo, the awfulness is shared. “I'd been in the organization a long time, so I pretty much knew what I was getting into,” Perlozzo said Tuesday. “I felt I could make a difference. I truly believed I was the guy that could do it. I’m sure I wasn't perfect. But I can't remember one time going home at night and thinking, 'Man, I blew that game.”

Since firing Davey Johnson, the Orioles have been a disaster. They have accrued a 683-844 record. They have fired Ray Miller, Mike Hargrove, Lee Mazzilli, and Perlozzo. Peter Angelos is a debacle. He is a rotisserie nightmare. Consistently, Angelos has interfered with operations. He will never cease interfering. He must sell the franchise. If he does not, the Orioles will persist as baseball’s pariah.

Samantha Alexis Woods

Tiger Woods: “Both Elin and Sam are doing well and resting peacefully. We want to thank our doctors and the hospital staff for all their dedicated and hard work. This is truly a special time in our lives and we look forward to introducing Sam to our family and friends over the next few weeks. We thank everyone for their well wishes and continued respect of our privacy.”

Congratulations Tiger.

NEW RULE

Football is demanding.

Last week, Oakland Raiders’ workouts were halted. The NFL Players Association opposed their aggressiveness, intensity, and fast pace. Seriously? Football is strenuous. Players should be aggressive and intense. Otherwise, they should be unemployed. Obviously, heat is a legitimate concern. However, football is sudden and violent. If not, football is softball.

Time to Distinguish

Nineteen graduates are now accused felons. Prior to their final day, these students rigged, set, and dispersed 150 alarm clocks. At 9:15, the alarms denoted their departure. Threats must be taken seriously. With that stated, blanket indictments are not a solution. Police must separate pranks and hazards. Personally, this stunt was hilarious.

Worth A Read

The Golf Blog

The internet’s signature location. They also discuss Tiger‘s flaw.

Word Slaughter

Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon: "The Darfur conflict began as an ecological crisis, arising at least in part from climate change. This suggests that the drying of sub-Saharan Africa derives, to some degree, from man-made global warming. It is no accident that the violence in Darfur erupted during the drought. For the first time in memory, there was no longer enough food and water for all. Fighting broke out. But what to do about the essential dilemma: the fact that there's no longer enough good land to go around?”

The Secretary General’s drought point is rational. With that stated, his word choice was dreadful.

The Daily Smak

For $100 million (all cash), NASCAR sued AT&T. Nextel also requested all telecommunications sponsors dropped. Those loud screams? They were Ryan Newman.

During my Sunday internet surfing (shaddup!), I encountered the headline “Disbarred Duke’s DA Future Dim”… You think?

Last week, the NFL Players Association (our motto: risking Gene Upshaw’s neck daily) cancelled Oakland Raiders workouts. The Association’s concerns included the high level of intensity, player aggressiveness and fast pace practices. High level of intensity? Anyone sure these were Raiders’ practices?

A Legend Retires

Cabrera Captures, Tiger Fades

Champions seize opportunities. Others forfeit them. Occasionally, opportunities are grand. The vast majority are subtle. They are momentarily insignificant. Upon a competition’s conclusion, they are reexamined. Their value is realized.

On Sunday, Angel Cabrera corralled the United States Open. Despite malicious Oakmont, Cabrera carded a final round one under par, sixty-nine. His total five over par bested Jim Furyk and Tiger Woods (+6). Niclas Fasth (+7) finished fourth. David Toms and Bubba Watson (+9) knotted for fifth.

After closing Saturday with consecutive bogeys, Cabrera commenced Sunday with three pars. He then racked consecutive birdies. Unfortunately, he bogeyed hole six. After paring seven, Cabrera logged a birdie-bogey combination. Standing five over, he tallied a par and birdie split. Following three straight pars, Cabrera birdied fifteen. Despite bogeying sixteen and seventeen, Cabrera completed his round with par.

Challengers entered and exited. Aaron Baddeley commenced Sunday leading. Following Baddeley’s triple bogey, Stephen Ames and Woods assumed command. Ames faltered playing six and seven four over. Paul Casey challenged. Unfortunately, an early bogey disqualified him. Steve Stricker contested with three front nine birdies. Sadly, consecutive double bogeys eliminated him. Finally, Furyk charged with three consecutive birdies. Regrettably, he succumbed with a late bogey.

On Saturday, Woods was poised. He birdied three and four (+3). He then began missing opportunities. Eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, and sixteen. Each were birdies forfeited. After a closing bogey (+4), Woods opened Sunday with consecutive pars. After a bogey-birdie combination, Woods chalked six straight pars. He then bogeyed eleven (+5). The aforesaid was his conclusion. Subsequently, birdie opportunities were registered. However, they were not recorded.

During his career, Woods has won twelve major championships. Prior to the final round, Woods has led on twelve and trailed on twenty-nine occasions. Woods has never come back. He is zero for the twenty-nine. This is not a flaw search. This is a legitimate discussion. Jack Nicklaus won from behind. Why not Tiger?

Oakmont mirrored Augusta. Twice, plebeians faced Tiger. Twice, Tiger appeared inevitable. Twice, Tiger failed. He did not lose. Cabrera and Zach Johnson won. Tiger is an exemplary athlete. He is a champion. However, is he also formally invincible?

Around Their World

For $100 million, NASCAR sued AT&T. NASCAR also requested the exclusion of telecommunications sponsors. The Nextel Cup Series allowed both Alltel and Cingular. NASCAR asserts AT& T’s Cingular re-branding violates their moratorium. NASCAR is ridiculous. AT&T is not a new sponsor. AT&T purchased Cingular. They are eliminating Cingular. NASCAR should relent. AT&T is merely executing their strategy.

The Big Five

For reasons good and bad… they were the news.

The Hot Five

A quintet of sizzling conversation starters.

Ko-Bye

Kobe Bryant: “When you love something as much as I love the Lakers its [sic] hard to even imagine thinking about being elsewhere. But, the ONE THING I will never sacrifice when it comes to basketball is WINNING. The more I thought about the future, the more I became convinced that the Lakers and me just have two different visions for the future.”

On May 31, Bryant demanded a trade. Hours subsequent, he rescinded said demand. Apparently, he has reinstated the demand. Given time and pleading, I assumed the Lakers would retain Bryant. Evidently, they are irreparably estranged.

Sippy Security?

Allegedly, a Transportation Security Administration official seized a toddler’s cup, spilled his water, and threatened his mother. According to the TSA, Monica Emmerson ignored warnings and dumped the water. Airline security is critical. With that stated, restrictions exist. If these accusations are true, the TSA warrants severe punishment.

“Architect of Fashion”

Gianfranco Ferre
(1944-2007)

Line of the Morning

Senator Joe Biden (D-DE)

“We would have kicked the can [war funding] down the road for 1-1 ½ months … with no hope of overriding a Presidential veto. I wasn’t prepared to play chicken with the lives of American troops. Bush maybe. Not me.”