Miracle Finish

On Friday, Helio Castroneves was acquitted. This verdict is stunning.

NBA Playoff Predictions

Eastern Conference

First Round
(1) Cleveland Cavaliers defeat (8) Detroit Pistons 4-0
(2) Boston Celtics defeat (7) Chicago Bulls 4-1
(3) Orlando Magic defeat (6) Philadelphia 76ers 4-2
(5) Miami Heat defeat (4) Atlanta Hawks 4-2

Conference Semi-Finals
(1) Cleveland Cavaliers defeat (5) Miami Heat 4-1
(2) Boston Celtics defeat (3) Orlando Magic 4-3

Conference Finals
(1) Cleveland Cavaliers defeat (2) Boston Celtics 4-3

Western Conference

First Round
(1) Los Angeles Lakers defeat (8) Utah Jazz 4-2
(2) Denver Nuggets defeat (7) New Orleans Hornets 4-2
(3) San Antonio Spurs defeat (6) Dallas Mavericks 4-2
(4) Portland Trailblazers defeat (5) Houston Rockets 4-2

Conference Semi-Finals
(1) Los Angeles Lakers defeat (4) Portland Trailblazers 4-3
(2) Denver Nuggets defeat (3) San Antonio Spurs 4-3

Conference Finals
(1) Los Angeles Lakers defeat (2) Denver Nuggets 4-2

NBA Finals
(1) Los Angeles Lakers defeat (1) Cleveland Cavaliers 4-2

Monologue Joke of the Evening

“President Obama is in Mexico. While there, he met with the FWEA — the Future Walmart Employees of America.”

The Tonight Show

Survivor: Coach Concoction Broils Brendan

On Thursday, Tyson garnered immunity. Subsequently, multiple scenarios ensued. Coach was targeted. Brendan was targeted. Ultimately, Coach concocted a shrewd alliance. Via a 4-3-2 vote, Brendan was eliminated.

NEW RULE

One sack is sufficient.

In Walmart, I purchase three items. I exit with three sacks. My items are packaged. Their packages are secure. Walmart’s employee mandates are irrelevant. I can exit with one sack.

Worth A Read

Cogitamus

Five authors cover the world.

The Daily Smak

Hey, didn’t you used to be Sunday Night Football?

On Wednesday, Isiah Thomas’ surrendered his salary. According to Thomas, salary should equal reputation.

Today’s top five or NBA Championship favorites (1) Lakers, (2) Nuggets, (3) Cavaliers, (4) Spurs, (5) Magic

BOOM: Madden Announces Exodus

Hundreds advance their profession. Several enrich their profession. Few revolutionize their profession. John Madden transcended his profession.

On Thursday, Madden retired. Cris Collinsworth supplanted him. “There is one thing football fans have agreed on for decades: they all love John Madden,” said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. “John was a Hall of Fame coach before becoming one of the most-celebrated personalities in sports. He had an incredible talent for explaining the game in an unpretentious way that made it more understandable and fun. John's respect and passion for the game always stood out. He was the ultimate football fan who also happened to be an extraordinarily talented coach and broadcaster.”

During his press conference, Madden was reflective. “You know at some point you have to do this -- I got to that point,” he said. “The thing that made it hard is not because I'm second-guessing, 'Is it the right decision?' But I enjoyed it so damn much. I enjoyed the game and the players and the coaches and the film and the travel and everything. If you hated part of it or if something was wrong, it'd be easy.”

From 1979-1994, Madden served as CBS’ Principal Analyst. From 1994-2002, he served as FOX’s Principal Analyst. From 2002-2005, he served as ABC’s Principal Analyst. From 2005-2009, he served as NBC’s Principal Analyst. Overall, Madden announced eleven Super Bowls.

“No one has made the sport more interesting, more relevant and more enjoyable to watch and listen to than John,” said Al Michaels. “There's never been anyone like him and he's been the gold standard for analysts for almost three decades.”

As previously stated, announcers enter. Announcers exit. Most merely compliment the visual. Madden owned the conversation. He is an icon. He will be missed.

A Failure Plummets, A Champion Prevails

Mistakes govern championship rounds. Errors erode opposition. Gaffes garrote idealists. Missteps malign challengers. No one is mistake immune. Victors simply equalize theirs.

On Sunday, Angel Cabrera survived the Masters. In a two-hole playoff, Cabrera defeated Kenny Perry and Chad Campbell. Shingo Katayama (-10) finished fourth. Phil Mickelson (-9) finished fifth. Steve Flesch, John Merrick, Steve Stricker, and Tiger Woods (-8) knotted for sixth.

With two holes remaining, Perry possessed a two-stroke advantage. Cabrera and Campbell closed with consecutive pars. Perry bogeyed hole seventeen. He bogeyed hole eighteen. His assured victory evaporated.

On the initial playoff hole, Cabrera and Perry chalked pars. Campbell was eliminated via bogey. On the second playoff hole, Cabrera recorded his fourth consecutive par. Perry recorded another bogey. His collapse was complete.

Mickelson amassed eight birdies. Unfortunately, he double bogeyed hole twelve. He misplayed holes fifteen and seventeen. Woods racked four birdies and an eagle. Unfortunately, he concluded with consecutive bogeys.

During twenty-two years, Perry has missed 43 major championships. He has scored only three top finishes. Misfortune and unluckiness have not prevented victory. Perry was simply inadequate.

Fox News: Gutter Television

For thousands of Americans, Tax Day was a moment to protest what they see as bloated budgets and a pile of debt being passed on to their children. For CNN, MSNBC and other media outlets, it was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to use the word "teabagging" in a sentence. Teabagging, for those who don't live in a frat house, refers to a sexual act involving part of the male genitalia and a second person's face or mouth.

So when the anti-tax "tea party" protests were held Wednesday across the country, cable anchors and guests -- who for weeks had all but ignored the story -- covered the protests by cracking a litany of barely concealed sexual references. CNN anchor Anderson Cooper interspersed "teabagging" references with analyst David Gergen's more staid commentary on how Republicans are still "searching for their voice."

"It's hard to talk when you're teabagging," Cooper explained. Gergen laughed, but Cooper kept a straight face.

MSNBC's David Shuster weaved a tapestry of "Animal House" humor Monday as he filled in for Countdown host Keith Olbermann. The protests, he explained, amount to "Teabagging day for the right wing and they are going nuts for it."

He described the parties as simultaneously "full-throated" and "toothless," and continued: "They want to give President Obama a strong tongue-lashing and lick government spending." Shuster also noted how the protesters "whipped out" the demonstrations this past weekend.

Tea Party participants were not amused. The events were held in dozens of cities across the country, and while some demonstrators were criticized for wielding off-topic and sometimes insensitive protest signs, most took to the streets to speak out against government spending.

Brent Bozell, president of the conservative Media Research Center, said the media coverage was "insulting," reacting specifically to CNN reporter Susan Roesgen's combative interviews with Illinois demonstrators in which she declared that the protests were "anti-CNN" and supported by FOX News. She left the teabagging jokes to her colleagues, though. "I've never seen anything like it," Bozell said. "The oral sex jokes on (CNN) and particularly MSNBC on teabagging ... they had them by the dozens. That's how insulting they were toward people who believe they're being taxed too highly."

Max Pappas, public policy vice president at FreedomWorks -- a small-government group which promoted the tea parties -- said it's a "shame" media outlets cracked jokes at a genuine "grassroots uprising."

"I think what that reveals is how worried they are that this might actually be something serious. You make fun of things you're afraid of, I'd say," Pappas said.

If anyone thinks the orally charged remarks on mainstream cable were just a coincidence, MSNBC's Rachel Maddow's segments over the past week with guest, Air America's Ana Marie Cox, would dissolve all doubt. Their on-air gymnastics, dancing around the double entendre of the week, looked like live-action Beavis and Butthead.

By one count, the two of them used the word "teabag" more than 50 times on one show. And on Monday, Cox even let the viewers in on their joke -- referencing Urbandictionary.com, a site which offers a number of colorful definitions for the term "teabagging."

"Well, there is a lot of love in teabagging," Cox said. "It is curious, though, as you point out, they do not use the verb 'teabag.' It might be because they're less enthusiastic about teabagging than some of the more corporate conservatives who seem to have taken to it quite easily."

Jenny Beth Martin, a Republican activist who helped organize one protest in Atlanta, said she's not too worried about the protests being dismissed by some media outlets. She estimated 750,000 people attended more than 800 protests in all 50 states, and that at the very least the local media and community newspapers documented it. "Our message definitely got out where it needed to get," she said.

Monologue Joke of the Evening

“It’s tax day. The only adults who don’t have to file tax returns are those who are single, and earn less than $8,950. In other words, Lindsay Lohan.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Subpar Draft Inspires Stupid Decision

On Thursday, Luke Harangody declared his NBA eligibility. Harangody’s decision is ridiculous. He is a second round selection.

Fox News: Perilous Present

A mystery is unfolding in the world of college fundraising: During the past few weeks, at least nine universities have received gifts totaling more than $45 million, and the schools had to promise not to try to find out the giver's identity. One school went so far as to check with the IRS and the Department of Homeland Security just to make sure a $1.5 million gift didn't come from illegal sources.

"In my last 28 years in fundraising ... this is the first time I've dealt with a gift that the institution didn't know who the donor is," said Phillip D. Adams, vice president for university advancement at Norfolk State University, which received $3.5 million.

The gifts ranged from $8 million at Purdue to $1.5 million donated to the University of North Carolina at Asheville. The University of Iowa received $7 million; the University of Southern Mississippi, the University of North Carolina at Greensboro and the University of Maryland University College got $6 million each; the University of Colorado at Colorado Springs was given $5.5 million; and Penn State-Harrisburg received $3 million.

It's not clear whether the gifts came from an individual, an organization or a group of people with similar interests. In every case, the donor or donors dealt with the universities through lawyers or other middlemen. Some of the money came in cashier's checks, while other schools received checks from a law firm or another representative.

All the schools had to agree not to investigate the identity of the giver. Some were required to make such a promise in writing. "Our chancellor was called to a Denver law office and had to sign a confidentiality agreement that she would not try to find out," said Tom Hutton, spokesman at the University of Colorado at Colorado Springs. "Once the chancellor signed it, she was emphatic that we don't try to find out."

Each was delivered since March 1 and came with the same stipulation: Most of the money must be used for student scholarships, and the remainder can be spent on various costs such as research, equipment, strategic goals and operating support. "We have no idea who this generous individual is, but we're extremely grateful," said Lynette Marshall, president and chief executive of the University of Iowa foundation. "This is the first time in my 25-year career that something of this magnitude has happened."

Usually when schools receive anonymous donations, the school knows the identity of the benefactor but agrees to keep it secret. Not knowing who is giving the money can raise thorny problems.

William Massey, vice chancellor for alumni and development at UNC-Asheville, said the school contacted the Department of Homeland Security and the IRS to make sure the money was legal before accepting it. "There may be an ethical problem if you knowingly accept funds from ill-gotten gains," said Colorado Springs' Hutton. University officials "do due diligence and ask the appropriate questions and receive satisfactory answers."

The $6 million donated to the University of Southern Mississippi was the largest single gift ever bestowed to the school. "It was a remarkable gift particularly during these economic times," said David Wolf, vice president of advancement.

"I think somebody is out there, or potentially a group of people, that has a great respect for the value of a college education and the power that it brings," Wolf said. "Gosh, if it's the same person or the same collective group of people, it's an amazing story."

NEW RULE

Napkins are not necessary.

I purchase fast food. The restaurant provides three napkins. Do I appear slovenly? Napkins should be requested. Fast food employees should not assume. Otherwise, I must assume they are illiterate morons.

The Daily Smak

Hey, didn’t you used to be Edmonton Oilers Coach?

Recently, Jamie Foxx, excoriated Miley Cyrus. On Wednesday, Foxx issued this apology: “Blame it on the ah-ah-ah-alcohol”

Today’s top five or New York’s greatest stadiums (1) Yankee Stadium, (2) Polo Grounds, (3) Ebbets Field, (4) Shea Stadium, (5) Arthur Ashe Stadium

Tea Party Panoramic

Jones-Drew’s Jolt Deserved?

On Wednesday, the Jacksonville Jaguars retained Maurice Jones-Drew. Jones-Drew signed a 4-year, $31 million contract. “I'm very confident this is the type of young man that will go out and continue to display the things that have made him so popular to begin with,” said Coach Jack Del Rio. “He's gonna get plenty of work. We're excited about getting him the ball more often.”

During his career, Jones-Drew has recorded 544 carries, 2,581 yards, and 35 touchdowns. He has registered 155 receptions, 1,500 yards, and 5 touchdowns. “I still love the game,” he said. “I'm going to play the way I play. Nothing's going to change. You see some guys get paid and they kind of shut it down. That's not how I was raised, that's not how I ever played the game before. I'm going to continue to play and work hard and do everything I can to help this team win.”

For three seasons, Fred Taylor and Jones-Drew shared carries and credit. Today, Jones-Drew owns the conversation. Centerpiece and contributor are polar opposites.

NHL Playoff Predictions

Eastern Conference

First Round
(1) Boston Bruins defeat (8) Montreal Canadians 4-3
(2) Washington Capitals defeat (7) New York Rangers 4-2
(3) New Jersey Devils defeat (6) Carolina Hurricanes 4-3
(4) Pittsburgh Penguins defeat (5) Philadelphia Flyers 4-2

Conference Semi-Finals
(1) Boston Bruins defeat (4) Pittsburgh Penguins 4-3
(3) New Jersey Devils defeat (2) Washington Capitals 4-3

Conference Finals
(3) New Jersey Devils defeat (1) Boston Bruins 4-2

Western Conference

First Round
(1) San Jose Sharks defeat (8) Anaheim Ducks 4-2
(2) Detroit Red Wings defeat (7) Columbus Blue Jackets 4-0
(3) Vancouver Canucks defeat (6) St. Louis Blues 4-2
(5) Calgary Flames defeat (4) Chicago Blackhawks 4-3

Conference Semi-Finals
(5) Calgary Flames defeat (1) San Jose Sharks 4-3
(2) Detroit Red Wings defeat (3) Vancouver Canucks 4-1

Conference Finals
(2) Detroit Red Wings defeat (5) Calgary Flames 4-3

Stanley Cup Finals
(2) Detroit Red Wings defeat (3) New Jersey Devils 4-2

Monologue Joke of the Evening

“Defense Secretary Robert Gates said the Somali pirates were all untrained teenagers with heavy weapons — which we call rap stars in this country.”

The Tonight Show

Rush Limbaugh… You Are An Ass

Rush Limbaugh: “You know what we have learned about the Somali pirates, the merchant marine organizers that were wiped out at the order of Barack Obama, you know what we learned about them? They were teenagers. The Somali pirates, the merchant marine organizers who took a US merchant captain hostage for five days were inexperienced youths, the defense secretary, Roberts Gates, said yesterday, adding that the hijackers were between 17 and 19 years old. Now, just imagine the hue and cry had a Republican president ordered the shooting of black teenagers on the high seas.”

NEW RULE

Agenda is not strategy.

According to a study, environmental employment is negative and provisional. For each chore created, 2.2 positions are purged. Only ten percent are employed permanently.

During the presidential campaign, Democrats promised five million “green jobs.” Their promise was worthless. Environmental employment involves citizen reeducation. Americans enjoy their cars and lifestyles. They will not sacrifice preemptively.

Construction is an employer. Technology is an employer. Environmental conversion is an agenda. The pair are not interchangeable. They should never be intermixed.

Worth A Read

Pet Connection

Animal care experts spotlight our cuddly companions.

The Daily Smak

Hey, didn’t you used to be Oscar De La Hoya?

Next season, the Dallas Cowboys will play six primetime contests. The NFL’s objective? Acquire Gossip Girl’s audience.

Today’s top five or Stanley Cup favorites (1) Red Wings, (2) Sharks, (3) Bruins, (4) Canucks, (5) Devils

Piracy Should Provoke

On Tuesday, the Liberty Sun was assaulted. The International Community must act. These craven incursions cannot occur unabated.

With Greatness Gone, Golden Boy Retires

Final images are iconic. Final images are irrevocable. They are our initial remembrance. They are a narrative’s origin.

On Tuesday, Oscar De La Hoya retired. “This is the love of my life, boxing is my passion, boxing is what I was born to do,” said De La Hoya. “When I can't do it anymore, when I can't compete at the highest level, it's not fair. It's not fair to me, it's not fair to the fans, it's not fair to nobody.”

“Now I understand why athletes have such a tough time retiring from something that you feel so passionate about, from your sport that you're always thinking you can try one more time,” he continued. “I can still train hard and I can still compete, but when you're an athlete that has competed on the highest level for a lot of years, it's not fair. It's not fair to step inside the ring and not give my best.”

During his career, De La Hoya accrued a 39-6 record. He amassed WBO Middleweight, WBC Super Welterweight, WBA Light Middleweight, WBC Welterweight, WBC Light Welterweight, IBF Lightweight, WBO Lightweight, and WBO Super Featherweight championships. He garnered the Lightweight Olympic Gold medal. He vanquished Hector Camacho, Julio César Chávez, Ike Quartey, Fernando Vargas, and Pernell Whitaker.

De La Hoya’s career was memorable. His final image was unfortunate. Bloody, decimated, and past his prime.

Failure Indulges University

Isiah Thomas’ legacy is both fact and fiction. Thomas’ career was prolific. Actually, he averaged only nineteen points per contest. Thomas possesses basketball intellect. Actually, he razed New York’s roster. Thomas’ image is salvageable. Actually, Thomas is a pariah, racist, and sexual harasser.

On Tuesday, Florida International hired Thomas. “I like rolling up my sleeves,” said Thomas. “I like taking some from the bottom and building it to the top. There's a lot of risk in that and there is also a lot of reward in that. But that's how I grew up. I want to take FIU to the next level and I know it's going to take a lot of hard work, but I'm willing to pay the price to do that.”

President Modesto Maidique’s reaction was ecstatic. “This is bigger than basketball and bigger than athletics,” he said. “Having a nationally recognized coach like Isiah at FIU will have a positive impact on our university as a whole, helping us achieve additional national exposure.”

During his career, Thomas has amassed a 187-223 record. In Indiana (3 seasons), he racked a 131-115 record. In New York (2 seasons), he registered a 56-108 record. “I think we're still realizing how big this is for us,” said Athletic Director Pete Garcia. “We still don't realize how big this is, how much knowledge and skills he can offer us and how much he can help us take this school to another level, take this school to where we are supposed to be.”

According to New York Knicks President Donnie Walsh, Thomas could succeed. “I think it's a great thing for him and it's kind of what I wanted for him from the day I let him go,” said Walsh. “If you really think about it, some of these kids that are coming out of AAU that are going to go to college for one year, that's a pretty good sell. Come down to Miami, spend a year with me.' I think he's positioned to do well with recruiting there.”

Thomas has been an apocryphal analyst, an execrable executive, and a miscreant mentor. For Florida International, I cannot envision success.

Deplorable Draft Attracts Another

On Tuesday, Hasheem Thabeet declared his NBA eligibility. Thabeet is a probable top five selection. “He is a special player and even more special as a person,” said Connecticut Coach Jim Calhoun. “He will truly be remembered as one of the great players in UConn history, not only for his accomplishments, but also because of the type of person he is.”

Last season, Thabeet averaged 13.6 points, 10.8 rebounds, and 4.2 blocks per contest. He racked seventeen fifteen plus point contests. He registered seven fifteen plus rebound contests. In the NCAA Tournament, Thabeet averaged 12.6 points, 10.2 rebounds, and 2.0 blocks per contest. “I have had a great experience at Connecticut and cannot thank my coaches and teammates enough,” he said. “I look forward to the challenge of playing professionally and know that my time here at UConn has prepared me to be successful in the future.”

In 2000, Kenyon Martin, Stromile Swift, Darius Miles, Marcus Fizer, Mike Miller, DerMarr Johnson, Chris Mihm, Jamal Crawford, Joel Przybilla, and Keyon Dooling were the selections. Only one has been an all-star. In 2009, this mediocrity may be mirrored.

American Idol Live Blog

Allison Iraheta (16 – California)

Her appearance is bizarre. Who wears curtains with a belt? Her performance is adequate. She slightly oversings. Her call and response is annoying. However, she does not assassinate the selection. Simon’s comment is intriguing. If she is the female’s hope, females have zero hope.

Anoop Desai (21 – North Carolina)

His commencement is cold. “Anything I do” is an emotional selection. He is mechanical. He is sans passion. He is sans sensitivity. His conclusion is equally glacial. He may advance. However, he must improve.

Adam Lambert (26 – California)

His commencement and entrance are ridiculous. He screams. He whales. “Born to be Wild” is a classic. “Born is to be Wild” is rebellious. He is revolting. His dancing is absurd. His theatrics are simply stupid. This was akin to a terrible teenage talent showcase.

Matt Giraud (23 – Michigan)

His commencement is elegant. The piano was an exquisite choice. The background is gorgeous. His transition is scattered. His emotion remains palpable. Unfortunately, his vocals are weaker. His conclusion is adequate. He should advance. Hoever, elimination is possible.

Danny Gokey (28 – Missouri)

Why all the subdued selections? His appearance is shocking. He does not resemble a geek. He resembles second date material. His performance is acceptable. The harp is bizarre. The vocals are strewn. However, his emotion translates. His eyes and soul own the moment. He should advance.

Kris Allen (23 – Arkansas)

He possesses commercial appeal. Why does he negate himself? His performance is adequate. His emotion is relatable. However, his selection is unknown. This week has been mundane. He could have separated himself. Unfortunately, he may have endangered himself.

Lil Rounds (23 – Tennessee)

Her appearance is ambiguous. Is she Fantasia or Naomi Campbell? She must decide. Her performance is adequate. Judging slow selections is complex. This week could eliminate anyone. However, she should advance.

The Fifth Thousand

During our fifth thousand, President Obama was elected. America’s economic explosion continued.

North Korea launched another missile. Chrysler and General Motors were resuscitated. Governor Rod Blagojevich was arrested, expelled, and indicted. Bernard Madoff plead guilty to fraud and perjury.

Roland Burris and Kirsten Gillibrand were appointed. Mayor Michael Bloomberg sought re-election. President Bush commuted Jose Compean and Ignacio Ramos’ sentences. The Democratic National Committee appointed Governor Tim Kaine (Virginia). The Republican National Committee elected former Lieutenant Governor Michael Steele (Maryland). Slumdog Millionaire owned the Academy Awards.

Tom Daschle, Judd Gregg, and Bill Richardson accepted and retreated. Hillary Clinton (Secretary of State), Arne Duncan (Secretary of Education), Robert Gates (Secretary of Defense), Timothy Geithner (Secretary of Treasury), Eric Holder (Attorney General), Gary Locke (Secretary of Commerce), Janet Naploitano (Secretary of Homeland Security), Kathleen Sebelius (Secretary of Health and Human Services), and Eric Shinseki (Secretary of Veterans Affairs) were confirmed.

Brian Burke, Slyvester Croom, Phillip Fulmer, Mark Gottfried, Dave Leitao, Lute Olson, and Carl Peterson resigned. Paul Azinger, Tony Dungy, Brett Favre, Jeff Kent, Greg Maddux, Mike Mussina, and Curt Schilling retired. Plaxico Burress was charged. Senator Ted Stevens was convicted. O.J. Simpson was incarcerated. Michael Vick plead guilty again.

Tony Bennett, John Calipari, Gene Chizik, Mark Dominik, Lane Kiffin, Todd Haley, George Kokinis, Ken Macha, Eric Mangini, Paul Maurice, Josh McDaniels, Kevin McHale, Raheem Morris, Dan Mullen, Kenny Natt, Russ Pennell, Scott Pioli, Paul Rhoads, Rex Ryan, Steve Sarkisian, Jim Schwartz, Mike Singletary, Bill Snyder, Steve Spagnuolo, Frank Spaziani, Dabo Swinney, John Tortorella, and Don Wakamatsu were hired.

Bruce Allen, Ted Cottrell, Romeo Crennel, Herman Edwards, Billy Gillispie, Jon Gruden, Jeff Jagodzinski, Eddie Jordan, Peter Laviolette, Rod Marinelli, Mike Martz, Barry Melrose, Sam Mitchell, Mike Nolan, Ron Prince, Tom Renney, Greg Robinson, Mike Shanahan, Michel Therrien, Reggie Theus, Tommy Tuberville, and Randy Wittman were fired.

Shaun Alexander, Sean Avery, Derrick Brooks, Warrick Dunn, Joey Galloway, Ike Hilliard, Matt Jones, Pacman Jones, Cato June, Stephon Marbury, Deuce McAllister, Antonio McDyess, Terrell Owens, Fred Taylor, and Jason Taylor were released. Ruben Amaro Jr., Andrew Bynum, Jim Hendry, Joe Paterno, and Aaron Rodgers were retained. Chauncey Billups, Tyson Chandler, Jay Cutler, Allen Iverson, Shawn Marion, Adam Morrison, Jermaine O’Neal, Vladimir Radmanovic, and Jason Richardson were traded.

Alex Rodriguez admitted performance enhancing drug utilization. Michael Phelps was suspended. Sam Bradford garnered the Heisman Trophy. Jimmie Johnson scored his third consecutive Nextel Cup. Detroit Lions went 0-16.

Dale Earnhardt Incorporated and Chip Ganassi Racing with Felix Sabates merged. Matt Kenseth won the Daytona 380. Florida State received four years probation.

The Philadelphia Phillies, Pittsburgh Steelers, Connecticut Lady Huskies, Florida Gators, and North Carolina Tar Heels scored titles. Angel Cabrera and Serena Williams won major championships. Rafael Nadal defeated Roger Federer.

Sammy Baugh, Michael Crichton, Bill Davidson, Doc Ellis, Mark Felt, Mark Fidrych, Harry Kalas, Ricardo Montalban, Pete Newell, Natasha Richardson, Edward Rogers Jr., Ron Silver, Bruce Snyder, Levi Stubbs, Studs Terkel, Martha von Bulow, and Kay Yow died.

During our next thousand…

Monologue Joke of the Evening

“They had the annual Easter Egg Roll in Washington. They almost had to cancel it because no one has any money. At the last minute, the U.S. government borrowed a billion eggs from China.”

Late Show with David Letterman

Bill Kurtis: “I’m Faster Than Andy Roddick”

NEW RULE

Bo is mentionable.

During President Obama’s campaign and transition, a dog was referenced. Given this, Bo merits attention. He does not merit analysis, commentary, or opinion. After twenty-four hours, he should disappear. Dogs are not news.

The Daily Smak

Hey, didn’t you used to be New York Knicks Coach?

According to a study, Facebook does not inhibit education. However, non-members outperform members. This report’s status is “complicated”

Today’s top five or greatest presidential pets (1) Mr. Reciprocity the Opossum (President Harrison), (2) Emily Spinach the Garter Snake (President Theodore Roosevelt), (3) Miss Pussy the Siamese Cat (President Hayes), (4) Drunkard the Coonhound (President Washington), (5) Washington Post the Parrot (President McKinley)

Snipers Kill Pirates, Rescue Captain

On Thursday, Maersk Alabama Captain Richard Phillips was captured. On Sunday, he was released. Despite international anxiety and intricacy, the United States Navy was perfect. I applaud them.

A Voice For All Seasons

Harry Kalas
(1936-2009)

The Bird

Mark Fidrych
(1954-2009)

“He Helped A Lot of Us Kids Grow Up”

Bruce Snyder
(1940-2009)

Big Five & Hot Five (During Easter)

Big Five (Alphabetical)

College Coaching Exchange

Economy

Marshawn Lynch

Nick Adenhart

Somali Piracy

Tank Johnson

Hot Five (Alphabetical)

Economy

Major League Baseball

New York Yankees

Nick Adenhart

Somali Piracy

The Hills

NEW RULE

“Get in the hole” is absurd.

Augusta’s second measures 575 yards. Tiger Woods’ averages 290 yards. When he tees off, do not scream. Your assertion is impossible.

Worth A Read

Hooked on Golf

Excellent Masters coverage.

The Daily Smak

Hey, didn’t you used to be my relaxation?

For Easter, I enjoyed three days off. Tiger Woods endured four off days.

Today’s top five or Master’s collapses (1) Greg Norman (1996), (2) Curtis Strange (1985), (3) Ed Sneed (1979), (4) Arnold Palmer (1961), (5) Kenny Perry (2009)