Monologue Joke of the Evening

“Freezing weather this week. The roads were so icy, Al Gore almost didn’t make it to his global warming speech.”

The Tonight Show

Titans of Two Parties

Democrats have 255 representatives, 56 senators, and 28 governors. Democrats possess the presidency. Republicans have 178 representatives, 41 senators, and 22 governors. Clearly, their circumstances are converse. Their objectives must be contrary.

On January 8, the Democratic National Committee appointed Governor Tim Kaine (Virginia). On Friday, the Republican National Committee elected former Lieutenant Governor Michael Steele (Maryland).

From 2002-2006, Kaine was Lieutenant Governor (Virginia). Since 2006, he has been Governor. From 2003-2007, Steele was also Lieutenant Governor (Maryland).

Since 2005, Democrats have reasserted superiority. They have scored 50 congressional victories. They have 14 senatorial victories. They have scored 6 gubernatorial victories. On November 2, 2004, President Bush defeated Senator John Kerry (D-MA) 286-251. On November 4, 2008, Senator Barack Obama (D-IL) defeated Senator John McCain (R-AZ) 365-173.

For four years, Howard Dean owned the conversation. He did not merely court compatriots. He did not merely ingrain issues. Dean expanded, modernized, and sold his party. Kaine must maintain his example. Steele must mirror his example.

Monologue Joke of the Evening

“Gov. Rod Blagojevich was convicted and removed from office. No longer governor. It’s not over. He could still go to jail. In fact, he will be the first Illinois governor to go to jail since the last one . . . and the one before that . . and then there were a couple more…”

The Tonight Show

Projectile Dream?

Senator Car Levin (D-MI): “There is potential here for a real breakthrough in terms of our relationship with Russia, which is a relationship that needs strengthening. One of our strongest common interests is the threat that Iran creates if she gets a nuclear weapon. Iran would see Russia and the United States coming together to defend themselves against an Iranian threat. I don't think you can exaggerate the impact of that kind of a potential partnership.”

NEW RULE

Compassion trumps commerce.

In Michigan, ninety-three-year-old Marvin Schur died. The cause of death? Hypothermia.

Evidently, Schur possessed adequate money. However, his mind was deteriorating. Bay City Electric Light and Power Company never called. They simply sent a letter. They restricted his power. Now, they will not comment.

Corporations are providers. Customers make payments. Interaction is not the issue. Negligence is not the issue. Adequate compassion is the issue. Assumedly, Schur was an established resident. He was older. Given this, Bay City Electric Light and Power Company should have paused. They should have contacted police. The pair should have coordinated.

Corporations have investors, profits, and responsibilities. They should also have emotions.

Worth A Read

Capitol Fax

Illinois’ news radar.

The Daily Smak

Hey, didn’t you used to be Illinois’ Governor?

According to State Senator Matt Murphy, Rod Blagojevich is “beneath the dignity of the state of Illinois.” Al Capone… George Ryan… Rod Blagojevich… Was Illinois ever dignified?

Today's top five or potential Super Bowl Most Valuable Players (1) Willie Parker, (2) Kurt Warner, (3) Ben Roethlisberger, (4) Larry Fitzgerald, (5) Hines Ward

Blagola Banished

On Thursday, Governor Rod Blagojevich (D-IL) was expelled (59-0). Lieutenant Governor Pat Quinn supplanted him. “He failed the test of character,” said State Senator Matt Murphy. “He is beneath the dignity of the state of Illinois. He is no longer worthy to be our governor.”

For fifty-one days, Blagojevich was arrogant, egotistical, oblivious, repugnant, and superior. He ignored his circumstances. He paralyzed policy. He violated sacred ideals. Blagojevich’s exodus is the sad end of a sorry episode. Someday, I hope he is incarcerated.

President Excoriates Executives

Monologue Joke of the Evening

“Governor Rod Blagojevich was on television comparing himself to Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, and Martin Luther King. I think he looks more like Skippy from ‘Family Ties.’”

The Tonight Show

NEW RULE

Roger Goodell owns the conversation.

Personally, I enjoy this commercial. However, Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake were not imaginary. Halftime is humdrum. Everyone must realize the obvious… The NFL is iconic. The Super Bowl is their showcase.

The Daily Smak

Hey, didn’t you used to be number one?

Weird Wednesday. In college basketball, Wake Forest defeated Duke. In tennis, Rafael Nadal and Serena Williams won. In politics, Governor Rod Blagojevich shut up.

Today’s top five or greatest Super Bowl perfomances (1) Jerry Rice (Super Bowl XXIII), (2) Terrell Davis (Super Bowl XXXII), (3) Timmy Smith (Super Bowl XXII), (4) Joe Montana (Super Bowl XXIV), (5) Steve Young (Super Bowl XXIX)

Stupidity Package

On Wednesday, Congress passed the Economic Recovery and Reinvestment Act (244-188). This “economic aid” will improve nothing.

Gruden Talks Tampa, Termination

Jon Gruden: “I have no doubt I will coach again… If it's the NFL, college, high school or, maybe, I'll just be the best damn flag football coach in the history of Florida. I'm now head of the FFCA -- Fired Florida Coaches Association.”

“It was rough the way it ended, losing three or four games. This was the first time in my life being on the front line of the firing squad after 11 years. I've just taken a couple days to unwind with my family. A lot of people have called, being very supportive. Some people have taken shots and I understand that not everyone likes or agrees with what I do as a coach.”

“We won a Super Bowl. I got a game ball for winning more games than any Bucs coach in history. I got a game ball for my 100th win [including playoff wins]. There are only six teams [actually seven] in the NFL that had back-to-back winning seasons the past two years and the Bucs were one of them. Again, it was tough the way it ended but we did some good things and I know some people who think we overachieved. The reality is we came in with a bad salary cap situation and we left with some $50 million under the cap, so it's not like we went out and spent a lot of money on players.”

Monologue Joke of the Evening

“Cold outside today. They say the stringent weather is coming off of a cold front between Gov. Paterson and Caroline Kennedy.”

Late Show with David Letterman

“A Fight Fans Wanted”

On May 2, Ricky Hatton will oppose Manny Pacquiao. This pairing is exquisite. Whomever wins owns the conversation.

NEW RULE

Seriousness is required.

No one opposes infrastructure improvement. No one opposes education expansion, entitlement fortification, or environmental restoration. The former may create employment. The latter will not. If Democrats are serious, they should act serious. They should prioritize recovery.

Worth A Read

One Tree Hill Blog

Covering Brooke, Hailey, Lucas, Nathan, and Peyton.

The Daily Smak

Hey, didn’t you used to be Alabama’s Coach?

According to several publicists, Governor Rod Blagojevich’s interviews are unadvisable. Blagojevich’s interviews are entertaining. His personality is unadvisable.

Today’s top five or Jessica Alba’s favorite nations (1) Sweden, (2) Switzerland, (3) Turkey, (4) Bhutan, (5) Liechtenstein

NEW RULE

Cameras and conflict are incompatible and inseparable.

This offseason, Terrell Owens reality television… Terrell Owens and reality television? What is next? Providing murderers weapons? Conservative intolerance seminars?

Cameras crave arrogance, insolence, and puerility. Owens provides this. The Dallas Cowboys require composure, resolve, and unity. Owens ignored this. He should have rejected the program. Unfortunately, Owens is an individual. The Cowboys were contenders.

Monologue Joke of the Evening

“It turns out the classical music played by Yo-Yo Ma at the inauguration was prerecorded. It was lip-synched. A lot of people were upset by this. When Ashlee Simpson heard about it she said, ‘I could have done that gig.’”

The Tonight Show

The Daily Smak

Hey, weren’t you the digital television transition?

According to a study, popularity is genetic. George Bush’s grandchildren will have an excuse.

Today’s top five or New York Yankees books (1) Ball Four, (2) October Men, (3) Pinstripe Pandemonium, (4) The Perfect Yankee, (5) Steinbrenner

Crimson Turmoil: Gottfriend Quits

Sports are emotional. Given this, decisions are coerced, illogical, pressed, and unsupported. Mistakes are never considered. They are simply corrected with another.

On Monday, Alabama Coach Mark Gottfried resigned. Assistant Coach Philip Pearson supplanted him. “It has been a wonderful decade for me and my family, and I love the University of Alabama, but I feel that it is in the best interests of everyone involved,” said Gottfried.

Pearson’s reaction was mixed. “This was obviously not what I expected today when I came here to work,” he said. “It's a tough situation and obviously Mark and I are very close. I worked with him for 14 years and Coach Moore called me in today and asked if I would take over the team for the rest of the season. Certainly, I told him that I would. This Alabama basketball program is something that is very special to me.”

During his tenure, Gottfried amassed a 210-132 record. He scored two SEC Western Division titles. He secured five NCAA Tournament appearances. Upon his resignation, Alabama stood 12-7.

Gottfried’s exodus is stunning. Unfortunately, his exodus epitomizes sports. Gottfriend acted. He should assessed.

Amidst Chaos, Geithner Assumes Command

On Monday afternoon, Caterpillar, General Motors, Home Depot, Pfizer, Phillips Electronics, Sprint Nextel, and Starbucks announced payroll reductions. On Monday evening, the Senate confirmed Timothy Geithner (60-34). Officially, President Obama owns this mess.

Courageous Mistake

On Monday, New Orleans Saints linebacker Dan Morgan requested reinstatement. Morgan is an excellent athlete. He is an exemplary individual. However, he should remain retired.

NEW RULE

Violence is multicultural.

In Belgium, a twenty-year-old male murdered three. In America, violence is narrowed. Murders are packaged and personalized. They are recounted and regionalized. Unfortunately, violence is not unique. Violence affects everyone. Violence infects everywhere. Violence is an international commonality. Assholes may be individuals. Their intent is mutual.

Worth A Read

Behind the Steel Curtain

Blogging the Pittsburgh Steelers.

The Daily Smak

Hey, didn’t you used to be Vince Young?

In Spain, eleven-year-old Michelito Lagravere set a record. He killed six bulls. American children cannot spell matador. He killed six bulls.

In Australia, Lance Armsrong finished twenty-ninth. Today, he issued this statement: “My comeback is complete.”

Familiar Favorites Own SAG’s

Movies:

Actor: Sean Penn “Milk”

(Clearly, Penn and Mickey Rourke are the academy’s contenders.)

Actress: Meryl Streep “Doubt”

(An exemplary actress. An exquisite performance)

Supporting actor: Heath Ledger “The Dark Knight”

(The sympathy is irresistible. He will complete the triple.)

Supporting actress: Kate Winslet “The Reader”

(Two nominations, two victories. Oscars are next.)

Cast: “Slumdog Millionaire”

(While other movies were hyped, this movie is undefeated.)

Television:

Actor in a movie or miniseries: Paul Giamatti “John Adams”

Actress in a movie or miniseries: Laura Linney “John Adams”

(HBO’s masterpiece concludes dominance.)

Actor in a drama series: Hugh Laurie, "House"

(For the second consecutive ceremony, he wins the actor.)

Actress in a drama series: Sally Field “Brothers & Sisters”

(Her scattered character is timeless.)

Actor in a comedy series: Alec Baldwin, "30 Rock"

Actress in a comedy series: Tina Fey, "30 Rock"

(I abhor 30 Rock. The critics adore 30 Rock. The critics vote.)

Drama series cast: "Mad Men"

(Two nominations, two victories. Emmys are next.)

Comedy series cast: "30 Rock"

(Three categories. Three victories. 30 Rock owns the conversation.)

Lifetime Achievement: James Earl Jones

(This is victory…)

Greek Wretchedness

On Sunday, the Cleveland Browns hired Baltimore Ravens Assistant General Manager George Kokinis. Once again, the Browns substitute a joke.

Associated Press: No Earmarks, No Worries

President Barack Obama's ban on earmarks in the $825 billion economic stimulus bill doesn't mean interest groups, lobbyists and lawmakers won't be able to funnel money to pet projects. They're just working around it — and perhaps inadvertently making the process more secretive.

The projects run the gamut: a Metrolink station that needs building in Placentia, Calif.; a stretch of beach in Sandy Hook, N.J., that could really use some more sand; a water park in Miami. There are thousands of projects like those that once would have been gotten money upfront but now are left to scramble for dollars at the back end of the process as "ready to go" jobs eligible for the stimulus plan.

The result, as The Associated Press learned in interviews with more than a dozen lawmakers, lobbyists and state and local officials, is a shadowy lobbying effort that may make it difficult to discern how hundreds of billions in federal money will be parceled out. "'No earmarks' isn't a game-ender," said Peter Buffa, former mayor of Costa Mesa, Calif. "It just means there's a different way of going about making sure the funding is there."

It won't be in legislative language that overtly sets aside money for them. That's the infamous practice known as earmarking, which Obama and Democratic congressional leaders have agreed to nix for the massive stimulus package, expected to come up for a House vote this week.

Instead, the money will be doled out according to arcane formulas spelled out in the bill and in some cases based on the decisions of Obama administration officials, governors and state and local agencies that will choose the projects. "Somebody's going to earmark it somewhere," said Howard Marlowe, a consultant for a coalition working to preserve beaches.

Lobbyists are hard at work figuring out ways to grab a share of the money for their clients, but the new rules mean they're doing so indirectly — and sometimes in ways that are impossible to track. Congressional earmarks have had a bad name since the 2004 scandal that sent superlobbyist Jack Abramoff to prison and earned the congressional spending committees a new nickname: "The Favor Factory."

Obama, who campaigned promising a more transparent and accountable government, is advocating a system that will eventually let the public track exactly where stimulus money goes through an Internet-powered search engine. In addition, Democratic lawmakers have devised an elaborate oversight system, including a new board to review how the money is spent.

But none of that will happen until after the bill becomes law. Even critics of the earmarks system acknowledge that specifying projects upfront offers some measure of transparency. "We hate earmarks, but at least it's a way of tracking where influence is had," said Keith Ashdown of the watchdog group Taxpayers for Common Sense. "There is a challenge now that projects will be added behind closed doors without a paper trail."

Indeed, some lawmakers hearing from local groups say they're doing their own lobbying of governors and state and local officials who could have say-so over the funds. "I've talked to my governor and suggested some things I think are important in our area," said Republican Rep. C.W. Bill Young, who represents St. Petersburg, Fla. "He knows what the needs are."

Democratic Rep. Ed Pastor of Arizona suggested it's not entirely accurate to say there will be no earmarks in the measure. "There are and there aren't," Pastor said. "A lot of it depends on what the formula looks like."

For instance, the House measure, which includes $358 billion for road, water and energy programs among others, gives priority to transportation projects in high-unemployment areas that could be begun and completed quickly and that state and metropolitan transportation authorities have included in their long-term plans.

In California, Buffa, now board chairman of the Orange County Transportation Authority, said he's changed his strategy from asking for specific projects to pleading for more favorable general guidelines, including more money for infrastructure projects overall and a formula that lets cities — not states — decide how to spend it.

His organization has enlisted Potomac Partners, a large firm that specializes in lobbying for project spending, to help. In most cases, lawmakers know exactly which projects in their districts can benefit from the money, even though the legislation won't spell them out. State and local officials have released lists of projects that could start quickly and be completed within a few years.

In Orange County, they include freeway improvements and the Placentia Metrolink station. The American Shore and Beach Preservation Association, which is pushing for more water projects to be funded, wants repair and restoration of beaches from Sandy Hook, N.J., to Newport Beach, Calif.

Members of Congress are privately outlining their priorities, too. "Everybody's making their list and checking it twice," said Sen. Mitch McConnell, R-Ky., the minority leader. "You are inevitably going to have a lot of projects that are not going to pass the smell test."

Some groups are careful not to get too specific, fearing that public scrutiny could draw unwelcome attention to projects easily caricatured as special-interest goodies, such as a 2007 earmark for spinach growers that found its way into an Iraq war spending bill or the now-infamous "Bridge to Nowhere" in Alaska.

The United States Conference of Mayors released a 300-plus-page list of some $150 billion in "ready-to-go" projects that quickly became fodder for criticism. It included money for the Miami water park, which McConnell has ridiculed publicly, and a skate park in Portland, Maine. The American Association of State Highway and Transportation Officials was more guarded about its list of 5,000 projects totaling $64 billion. No specific projects were mentioned — just the number in each state and an overall dollar amount — making it impossible for lawmakers, advocacy groups or members of the public to criticize any one item.

Peter J. "Jack" Basso, an association executive, said it's up to states to decide what goes on their "ready-to-go" wish lists, but that the projects must meet rigorous tests including clearing environmental reviews. "We really rely on them to pick things that, frankly, are not bridges to nowhere," Basso said.

The Big Five

For reasons good and bad… they were the news.

The Hot Five

A quintet of sizzling conversation starters.

Line of the Morning

Representative John Boehner (R-OH)

“I just think there's a lot of slow-moving government spending in this program that won't work. We can't borrow and spend our way back to prosperity.”