Byrd Bites Falcons

Suns, Sonics Stage Strange Swap

On Friday, the Phoenix Suns traded Kurt Thomas and two first round selections to the Seattle Supersonics. As reciprocation, the Suns received a second round selection and $8 million. This exchange was bizarre. The Suns are aging. Why would they surrender future choices? Conversely, the Sonics frontcourt is loaded. Where will Thomas play?

NEW RULE

Fifteen is legal.

According to Judge Thomas Lipps, Derris Smith is an adult. Allegedly, seventeen-year-old Smith murdered a toddler. His method? Repeated bashing off a wall. His motivation? The child was not potty trained. This was a decision? Six and ten-year-olds cannot comprehend death. Fifteen-year-olds? They watch television. They comprehend murder methods. They know assaults, shooting, and torture facilitate death. Henceforth, high school is the standard. Understanding the consequences is a legal semantic. The relevant question? Did the accused murder the victim? If they answer yes, they are an adult.

Unfunny Reality

Lisa Moore’s cause of death? Breast cancer. Despite fan objections, “Funky Winkerbean” Creator Tom Batiuk is killing Moore. Batiuk is a cancer survivor. Writers create from experience. Batiuk’s action is introspective and brave. I applaud him.

Worth A Read

The Chaser

The Shot is the news. This analyzes, discusses, gossips, networks, and opines.

Yashin Exodus Anonymous

On Friday, Russia’s Locomotiv Yaroslavl signed Alexei Yashin. Yashin inked a one-year pact. Once, Yashin was a superstar. He was a prolific scorer. He was also a captain. Today, he is irrelevant.

Spike Scores

Updated weekly, a video game will mirror Spike’s “Kill Point.” Television inspired video games are passé. With that stated, this concept is innovative. Spike’s example should be mirrored.

The Daily Smak

Hey, weren’t you the NFL’s personal conduct policy?

Announcing Kim Kardashian’s clothed Playboy pictorial. Clothed? Kim, you’re appearing in Playboy. Not Red Book.

Today’s top five or unjustified Emmy nominations (1) TR Knight, (2) Heroes, (3) Alec Baldwin, (4) Masi Oka, (5) Grey’s Anatomy

Falcons Owner Reacts

Arthur Blank: “We know you're anxious to hear more from us regarding the indictment of Michael Vick and its implications to the Falcons. Please be assured that we are working diligently on exploring our options and getting the right people involved in this situation. This is an emotionally charged and complicated matter. There are a wide range of interests and legal issues that need to be carefully considered as we move ahead, including our need to respect the due process that Michael is entitled to. Given the differing perspectives and strong feelings around this issue, we probably won't make everyone happy; we are committed to doing the right thing. As the owner of this club that's ultimately my responsibility. In the meantime, know that I'm saddened and distressed about this not for myself, but for our fans and community who have been so loyal to us. We will do our very best to earn your support.”

Emmy Nominations

These are my rapid impressions. HBO remains dominant. ABC should be disappointed. Instead of production, popularity nominated drama series. The Outstanding Lead Actor (Drama) category is loaded. The Supporting (Drama) categories are stacked. Everyone should vote for Entourage and punish the Sopranos.

Drama Series

"Boston Legal"
"Grey's Anatomy"
"Heroes"
"House"
"The Sopranos"

Comedy Series

"Entourage"
"The Office"
"30 Rock"
"Two and a Half Men"
"Ugly Betty"

Reality-Competition Program

"The Amazing Race"
"American Idol"
"Dancing With the Stars"
"Project Runway"
"Top Chef"

Lead Actor in a Drama Series

James Spader "Boston Legal"
Hugh Laurie "House"
Denis Leary "Rescue Me"
James Gandolfini "The Sopranos"
Kiefer Sutherland "24"

Supporting Actor in a Drama Series

William Shatner "Boston Legal"
T.R. Knight "Grey's Anatomy"
Masi Oka "Heroes"
Michael Emerson "Lost"
Terry O'Quinn "Lost"
Michael Imperioli "The Sopranos"

Lead Actor in a Comedy Series

Ricky Gervais "Extras"
Tony Shalhoub "Monk"
Steve Carell "The Office"
Alec Baldwin "30 Rock"
Charlie Sheen "Two and a Half Men"

Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series

Kevin Dillon "Entourage"
Jeremy Piven "Entourage"
Neil Patrick Harris "How I Met Your Mother"
Rainn Wilson "The Office"
Jon Cryer "Two and a Half Men"

Lead Actress in a Drama Series

Sally Field "Brothers & Sisters"
Kyra Sedgwick "The Closer"
Mariska Hargitay "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit"
Patricia Arquette "Medium"
Minnie Driver "The Riches"
Edie Falco "The Sopranos"

Lead Actress in a Comedy Series

Felicity Huffman "Desperate Housewives"
Julia Louis-Dreyfus "The New Adventures of Old Christine"
Tina Fey "30 Rock"
America Ferrera "Ugly Betty"
Mary-Louise Parker "Weeds"

Supporting Actress in a Drama Series

Rachel Griffiths "Brothers & Sisters"
Katherine Heigl "Grey's Anatomy"
Chandra Wilson "Grey's Anatomy"
Sandra Oh "Grey's Anatomy"
Aida Turturro "The Sopranos"
Lorraine Bracco "The Sopranos"

Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series

Jaime Pressly "My Name Is Earl"
Jenna Fischer "The Office"
Holland Taylor "Two and a Half Men"
Conchata Ferrell "Two and a Half Men"
Vanessa Williams "Ugly Betty"
Elizabeth Perkins "Weeds"

Lead Actor in a Miniseries or a Movie

Robert Duvall "Broken Trail"
Tom Selleck "Jesse Stone: Sea Change"
Jim Broadbent "Longford"
William H. Macy "Nightmares & Dreamscapes"
Matthew Perry "The Ron Clark Story"

Lead Actress in a Miniseries or a Movie

Queen Latifah "Life Support"
Helen Mirren "Prime Suspect: The Final Act"
Mary-Louise Parker "The Robber Bride"
Debra Messing "The Starter Wife"
Gena Rowlands "What If God Were the Sun"

Democratic Fiction

On Thursday, the White House hosted an Iraq briefing. Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) and Harry Reid (D-NV) did not attend. Why would they? Facts would interrupt their posturing.

Dow 14,000 (Officially!)

Monologue Joke of the Evening

“The problem is the steam pipe that blew up was laid in 1924… Along with Joan Rivers.”

Late Show with David Letterman

The Choice is Wrong… Drew

Drew Carey hosting the Price is Right? According to Variety, negotiations have commenced. Bob Barker is a legend. He is both irreplaceable and unforgettable. With that stated, Carey is a horrendous choice. His comedy is pedestrian. His timing is awkward. Simply stated, Carey would be a disgrace.

NEW RULE

Amateur psychology is juvenile.

Pathetically, America has become judgmental. Everyone has pronounced issues. They are diagnosable. Everyone stop critiquing and evaluating. Live your life. Ignore other lives. Simply stated, they may be normal. You may be a dumb ass.

Plame’s Double Action

On Thursday, Valerie Plame’s lawsuit was dismissed. Coincidentally, Director Rod Lurie joined “Nothing But the Truth.” The film will star Alan Alda, Kate Beckinsale, Matt Dillon, Edie Falco, amd Vera Farmiga. The Plame affair as a movie. This was predictable.

The Daily Smak

Hey, weren’t you the revolutionary quarterback?

According to TMZ, Andy Dick and Lyle Lovett clashed. Their conflict? The title of Hollywood’s best never was.

Finally, Rosie O’Donnell will guest on Friday Night Lights. After resurrecting Trump, NBC enlists O’Donnell. Is NBC (which stands for Nothing But Channel surfing) trying to suck?

Twenty Dates, Twenty Dollars

1. Find the best happy hour in town. Look through your newspaper or search online for local restaurants and bars with happy hours. Most places offer half-price food and drink specials, allowing you to get two drinks and share an appetizer for less than $20.

2. Go to a museum. Most museums either have free admission or offer free entry on certain days of the month.

3. Visit your local zoo. Most zoos offer adult tickets for less than $10. Pack your own snacks and bottled water and have a mini picnic while you're there.

4. Go on a romantic hike. Bring a backpack and surprise your partner with a bottle of champagne, glasses and fresh strawberries.

5. Go swimming at your local pool, lake or beach. Bring some water toys and have more fun than the kids.

6. Beat the heat with an ice cream date. Take two scoops to the park, or take a walk downtown and go people watching.

7. Hit the dollar movie theater. Lots of cities have discount movie theaters showing second-run features. Pick a rainy day and have a movie marathon.

8. Take a downtown walking tour. Discover things and places you never knew existed. While you're there, pick up a free visitors guide for more date ideas.

9. Plan a cheap picnic. Go on a picnic at the beach, mountains or in your own backyard. Grab a blanket, pack a deli sandwich and a bottle of $5 wine.

10. Take a blanket to the beach. Split your budget between a bottle of wine and cheese, then enjoy the sunset while you snuggle on a blanket.

11. Stroll through the botanical gardens. Spend the day

12. Be a kid again. Go bowling, play miniature golf, ride go-carts or play laser tag.

13. Build a bonfire. All you need is some firewood, snacks and a drink of your choice. This is also a great opportunity to make 'smores.

14. Rent something. Go roller- or ice-skating, rent a two-seater bike and pedal through the park, or paddle a boat on a pond.

15. Paint pottery together. Lots of studios let you get creative for around $6 an hour.

16. Pitch a tent. Park fees are usually less than $10, which leaves money for food and firewood. Go camping and roast hot dogs as you gaze at the stars.

17. Go wine tasting. Most wineries charge around $5 for a tasting of five different wines -- plus,

18. Take a scenic drive. Pull over to have coffee and dessert at a nice cafe.

19. Explore local galleries and artists. Many cities have art walks one night a month during the summer, with the bonus of a free glass of wine.

20. Rack 'em up at your local pool joint. With pool games costing less than $2, you might even have money left over to share a pitcher of beer.

Vick: Once Innovative, Now Indicted

As previously stated, Michael Vick is flashier than Tom Brady, more exciting than Peyton Manning, and more productive than Rex Grossman. Unfortunately, Vick has squandered his reputation. Brady, Grossman, and Manning have accrued conference championships. Vick has flipped off fans and tested airport security. On Tuesday, he completely disintegrated.

Yesterday, Vick was indicted. Vick, as well as associates Purnell Peace, Quanis Phillips, and Tony Taylor were charged with competitive dog fighting. They were also charged with procuring and training pit bulls for fighting and conducting the enterprise across state lines. The potential federal penalties? Six years incarceration. Substantial fines and restitution.

NFL reaction was severe. “We are disappointed that Michael Vick has put himself in a position where a federal grand jury has returned an indictment against him,” a statement read. “The activities are cruel, degrading, and illegal. Michael Vick's guilt has not yet been proven, and we believe that all concerned should allow the legal process to determine the facts.”

Atlanta Falcons’ reaction was similar. “Our club and team will continue to be tested as Michael works through the legal process toward a conclusion,” the statement said. “We are prepared to deal with it, and we will do the right thing for our club as the legal process plays out. We are disappointed that one of our players -- and therefore the Falcons -- is being presented to the public in a negative way, and we apologize to our fans and the community for that.”

During his career, Vick has completed 930 of 1,730 passes for 11,505 yards with 71 touchdowns and 52 interceptions. He has also logged 523 carries for 3,859 yards and 21 touchdowns. In 2006, Vick hit 204 of 388 aerials for 2,474 yards with 20 touchdowns and 13 interceptions.

Vick has scrambled six years. Regrettably, he has achieved little. He is twenty-seven, a millionaire, and a defendant. Vick should have revolutionized. Instead, he became repetitive. Vick befriended losers, discarded opportunity, and flouted authority. Roger Goodell should punish accordingly.

Sheffield: No Substance

On Tuesday, HBO’s Real Sports interviewed Gary Sheffield. During his insolence, Sheffield smeared Derek Jeter, Joe Torre, and the New York Yankees. He also admitted and denied steroid use. According to Sheffield, steroids are merely shots.

Sheffield is repugnant. He is a self-aggrandizing ass. He does not exhibit conscience. He spouts stupidity. Hank Aaron, Curt Flood, and Jackie Robinson were race men. They advanced civil rights and equality. Sheffield reverses both. Simply stated, he is an embarrassment.

Monologue Joke of the Evening

“Hurricane warning for New York City. Earlier today workers were boarding up Donald Trump’s hair.”

Late Show with David Letterman

Yutz All night

On Tuesday, the Senate staged a nocturnal session. On Wednesday, troop withdrawal legislation failed. Congratulations Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV). You strutted, posed, and preened. You accomplished nothing.

Handicapping the British Open

Tigers Woods: 3-1
Ernie Els: 5-1
Retief Goosen: 6-1
Angel Cabrera: 10-1
Padraig Harrington: 12-1
Darren Clarke: 14-1
Justin Rose: 16-1
Vijay Singh: 20-1
Phil Mickelson: 25-1
Trevor Immelman: 40-1

Validating My Suggestion

On Tuesday, Julie Lynn Hinds plead guilty to aggravated sexual assault of a child, sexual performance by a child, and promoting child pornography. Hinds sexually assaulted her infant daughter. She videotaped her husband performing sex acts. Hinds is disgusting, repugnant, and vile. She warrants castration. With that stated, when will parental screening commence?

Worth A Read

Blog Gossip

Covering music, news, sports, and television. Features a user’s registration.

Chinese Chatter

Chinese Sports Federation: “No matter how lofty public welfare activities are, they can't be allowed to take first place in a player's life. No matter how sweet personal life is, it can't be compared to the exultation of capturing glory for one's nation.”

With Yao Ming, China could medal. Without Yao Ming, Puerto Rico defeats them. China, shut up!

NEW RULE

Security is not optional.

On Monday, a gunman entered the Colorado state house. He announced: “I’m the emperor.” Seconds subsequent, police shot and killed him. The aforesaid is irrelevant. Following September 11, medal detectors were installed. Why were they removed? Threats are inherent. Threats are dangerous. Concerns are irrelevant. Thankfully, Monday’s incident was minor. However, Monday’s incident was also avoidable. Avoidable sans Colorado’s irresponsibility.

Engvall Erroneous

TBS is miniscule. Despite their history, they are minor. TBS is merely another outlet. Amidst cable’s vast wasteland, they seek distinction.

On Tuesday, I viewed The Bill Engvall Show. The production is pedestrian. I did not laugh. The jokes were insipid and sophomoric. Casting was horrendous. The mother and youngest brother were unbelievable. Engvall was sluggish.

TBS’s initial endeavor, Tyler Perry’s House of Payne, was brilliant. Engvall’s exertion was putrid. TBS desired impact. They failed. They trusted a Tim Allen never was. Predictably, he produced a debacle.

The Daily Smak

Hey, weren’t you on Criminal Minds?

In India, a monkey stole a tourist’s sunglasses. Americans should be outraged. India’s monkeys are as smart as our criminals.

On Monday, David Beckham suffered a sprained ankle. If he cannot play? Disaster. Wait, that is American soccer.

Legal Strangling

Last week, Craig Stebic rescinded his divorce petition. Stebic’s rational is brilliant. Why divorce his missing wife? He killed her.

Monologue Joke of the Evening

“They are saying that David Beckham could do for soccer what Wayne Gretzky did for hockey. Which means in fifteen years no one will be watching soccer either.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Drugs Drench Benoit

According to toxicology reports, Chris Benoit’s body contained hydrocodone, testosterone, and Xanax. Nancy Benoit’s body contained hydrocodone, hydromorphone, and Xanax. Daniel Benoit’s body contained Xanax.

Immediately, Vince McMahon preened. He emphasized the toxicology. He discussed drug testing. McMahon is a moron. Since 1984, eighteen prominent wrestlers have died. Since 1997, sixty (younger than forty-five) have died. The aforesaid are statistics. They are not coincidences.

Mahatma Dumbass

Daunte Culpepper: “As I was going through this process I heard about a quote by Gandhi that best expresses my thoughts about this victory: 'First they ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they fight you, then you win. Now that I have won my freedom and I get to choose my next team, I am just like many other people who have to go out and find employment so that I can take care of my family. I just hope that there is still a team or two out there that has an opportunity for a hard working quarterback who is willing to come in and contribute wherever needed. I am ready to get into a training camp so that I can prepare for the 2007 season.”

Daunte, you are an ass. You quoted Gandhi? Gandhi led oppressed people. You play quarterback. You did not win. You are unemployed. Take care of your family? You are a pampered professional athlete. You are not a steal worker. You are a hard working quarterback? You are a preening brat. Daunte, shut up!

NEW RULE

No Nazi analogies.

On July 8, Congressman Keith Ellison (D-MN) compared President Bush and Adolf Hitler. Alright, 3,000 soldiers have died. Hitler murdered six million. Hitler’s victims were not armed. They were defenseless. They were gassed and baked. Democrats, abhor this President. This is acceptable. With that stated, President Bush is not Hitler. He is not evil personified.

Dow 14,000

Ginn’s Guess

On Tuesday, Ginn Racing rearranged. Regan Smith supplanted Sterling Marlin. Sans a sponsor, Joe Nemechek may sit. Both Marlin and Nemechek face impending release. Marlin and Nemechek are not champions. With that stated, they are reputable veterans. They deserve better. I hope Ginn’s whimsy fails.

The Daily Smak

Hey, didn’t you also used to work for John McCain?

Fresh from the rumor mill (aka ticket master), Bon Jovi attended a Prince concert. Apparently, he desired his fans experience. Paying thousands to see a really old musician.

Finally, I tip the ol’ ball cap (in this case, a beret) to Seve Ballesteros. During his career, Seve garnered three British Open and two Masters championships. He was an exemplary individual.

The Big Five

For reasons good and bad… they were the news.

The Hot Five

A quintet of sizzling conversation starters.

Monologue Joke of the Evening

“According to Duke researchers, obese people have a better chance of surviving a heart attack. So you know what that means? Someday your fat ass could save your fat ass.”

The Tonight Show

Threatening Colorado

On Monday, a gunman entered the Colorado state house. He announced: “I’m the emperor.” Seconds subsequent, police shot and killed him. Where were the medal detectors?

Celebrities Trump Cancellation

On Monday, NBC revived “The Apprentice.” Instead of entrepreneurs, celebrities will compete. Donald Trump is obnoxious. His program is ridiculous. The ratings were terrible. NBC should forgo resuscitation.

Trading For Ignorance

On Monday, the Oakland Athletics traded catcher Jason Kendall to the Chicago Cubs. As reciprocation, the Athletics received catcher Rob Bowen and minor league pitcher Jerry Blevins. Kendall is an adequate catcher. With that stated, his statistics have never equaled expectations. Thankfully, Chicago relinquished nothing.

Gibson’s Costa Rehab

Senseless Summit

On Monday, President Bush announced a Middle East conference. Attendees will include Israel and the Palestinian Authority. This idea is brilliant. Clearly, President Clinton’s summits succeeded.

NEW RULE

The media is innocent.

On July 8, Tony Stewart disparaged Denny Hamlin. On Sunday, he blamed the media. Obviously, he is correct. The media induced the situation. The media acted inappropriately. Stewart acted exemplary. Stewart is ridiculous. Athletes, actions and statements have consequences. The media does not enforce them. Society does. Stewart provoked his situation. The media did not alienate Hamlin. The media did not request Joe Gibbs. Athletes, actions and statements have consequences. Either accept this or shut up.

Obama Girl vs. Giuliani Girl

Worth A Read

The Sweet Science

Smart boxing columns. Intriguing features include a message board, news directory, and schedule.

A Warrior’s Exodus

On Saturday, Alfonso Gomez pummeled Arturo Gatti. Following the annihilation, Gatti announced his retirement. His final record: 40-9.

Gatti was not a glitzy champion. With that stated, he was not a glass jawed mutt. Gatti’s legacy is assured. He was every man. Gatti did not strategize. He threw punches. People cheered this trait. Floyd Mayweather is a champion. However, he will never be Gatti. He will never be the people’s warrior.

The Daily Smak

On Friday, a waitress received a $10,000 tip. Kevin Federline, there is hope for you.

Today’s top five or irrelevant ESPY awards (1) Golfer of the Year, (2) NHL Player of the Year, (3) NBA Player of the Year, (4) MLB Player of the Year, (5) Athletes of the Year

According to Variety, Snoop Dogg is creating a reality show. Working titles include Doggy Dogg World, U Betta Recognize, and For All My Niggaz and Bitches.

Yahoo’s Top 10 Locales

1. Middleton (Wisconsin)

2. Hanover (New Hampshire)

3. Louisville (Colorado)

4. Lake Mary (Florida)

5. Claremont (California)

6. Papillion (Nebraska)

7. Milton (Massachusetts)

8. Chaska (Minnesota)

9. Wallingford (Pennsylvania)

10. Suwannee (Georgia)

Mourning Return

On Sunday, Miami Heat Center Alonzo Mourning announced his intention. In lieu of retirement, he will play a fifteenth season. Mourning is granite. He is both an exemplary athlete and an exceptional individual. Players should mirror his example.

Stewart’s Strategy: Blame!

Tony Stewart: “It was a bigger drama with the media than it was with the team in all reality.”

Tony, you are ridiculous. You ranted. You alienated your teammate. Obviously, the media was wrong. You were not. We induced the situation. We acted inappropriately. You were exemplary.

Example Hank

On Sunday, Outside the Lines hosted a Hank Aaron discussion. Bob Ley’s guests included Dusty Baker, Tom House, Frank Robinson, and Lonnie Wheeler. Each portrayed Aaron as determined and socially conscience. Obviously, Barry Bonds should study him.

An Epic Debate

Watch Lindsey Graham vs. Jim Webb

Line of the Morning

Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC)

“History will judge us… not when we left, but what we left behind. Do we leave a resurgent al-Qaeda that will kill every moderate who helped us? Do we empower Iran? Do they control the south of Iraq?”

The First Thousand

During our initial one thousand, Americans debated an ongoing war. Presidential candidates campaigned. Scooter Libby received a pardon. Vladimir Putin threatened. The Dow exceeded 13,000. Tony Blair and Rosie O’Donnell resigned. Bob Barker and Bill Parcells retired. Don Imus and Isaiah Washington were fired. Bluffton and Virginia Tech endured tragedy.

Paris Hilton received incarceration. Mike Nifong was disbarred. The Sopranos faded. Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears attended rehab. Peyton Manning and Martin Scorsese finally won. Jordin Sparks won American Idol. The Anaheim Ducks, Florida Gators, and San Antonio Spurs won championships. The Dixie Chicks won three Grammy’s.

Daytona enjoyed exciting finishes. Dale Earnhardt Jr. departed. Roger Federer dominated. Barry Bonds chased Hank Aaron. Billy Donovan left and returned. Former Russian President Boris Yeltsin, First Lady Lady Bird Johnson, Senators Thomas Eagleton and Craig Thomas, Chris Benoit, Jerry Falwell, Bill France Jr., Eddie Robinson, and Anna Nicole Smith died.

During our second thousand…

Escalating Menace

On Saturday, Russia renounced the European Arms Control treaty. Henceforth, their military sites are not assessable. Their conventional weapons will not be limited. As previously stated, Vladimir Putin is deceitful and treacherous. He would hoist the Sickle and Hammer tomorrow. These actions validate that view.