Barack Obama’s “Spiritual Advisor”

Automatic for the Tournament – Bid #15

American Eagles (21-11)
(Patriot League Champions)

President Injects Economic Stimulus

President Bush: “Thanks for coming. Thanks for the warm welcome. I'm pleased to be joined by leaders of both parties to enact an economic growth package for the American people.

You know, a lot of folks in America probably were saying that it's impossible for those of us in Washington to find common ground, to reach compromise on important issues. I didn't feel that way; I know the leaders didn't feel that way. And as a result, we have come together on a single mission -- and that is to put the people's interests first. And I really do welcome the members of Congress and I thank you for your hard work.

Madame Speaker, I thank you for your leadership. Senator Reid, I thank you for your leadership, as well. I appreciate very much the fact that the Vice President has joined us, along with Congressman Boehner, Congressman Hoyer, Senator Mitch McConnell, Congressman Roy Blunt, Congressman Jim Clyburn, and other members of the House and the Senate. You're welcome here in the people's house any time.

I'm very grateful that members of my Cabinet have joined us. Secretary Paulson was the leader in the negotiations on this, and I thank you very much for your hard work, Mr. Secretary. You're earning your pay. (Laughter.) Appreciate other members of my Cabinet who have joined us, as well.

You know, I know a lot of Americans are concerned about our economic future. Our overall economy has grown for six straight years -- but that growth has clearly slowed. And so in January had an important phone call with the leaders of the Congress to talk about whether or not we could come together to provide a booster shot for our economy -- a package that is robust, temporary, and puts money back into the hands of American workers and businesses.

Congress passed a really good piece of legislation, and they did so in a very expeditious manner. The bill I'm signing today is large enough to have an impact -- amounting to more than $152 billion this year, or about 1 percent of GDP. The bill provides temporary tax incentives for businesses to make investments in their companies so that we create new jobs this year. The bill provides individual tax relief in the form of tax rebates. These rebates will amount to as much as $600 for individuals and $1,200 for married couples, with additional rebates for families with children.

The members resisted the temptation to load up this bill with unrelated programs or unnecessary spending, and I appreciate that. I thank the members for acting quickly. I thank them for acting to provide immediate tax relief to the American people.

There are other ways we can work together to help our economy through this rough patch. I know many Americans are worried about meeting their mortgages. My administration is working to address this problem. Last fall, for example, we brought together the HOPE NOW alliance to help struggling homeowners avoid foreclosure.

Yesterday, Secretaries Paulson and Jackson joined HOPE NOW in announcing what is called "Project Lifeline," it's a targeted outreach effort to help more at-risk homeowners. Congress can also help by passing legislation to reform the regulation of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, to modernize the Federal Housing Administration, and to allow state housing agencies to issue tax-free bonds to help homeowners refinance their mortgages. I hope that Congress can act on these matters quickly.

Helping our economy requires us to take action, it is equally important that we not overreact. Our economic success is not the result of the wisdom of politicians in Washington, D.C. -- but of the collective wisdom of the American people. Shopkeepers, farmers, laborers, entrepreneurs in the private sector have given us the most -- the strongest and most resilient economic system in the world.

Over the past seven years, this system has absorbed shocks -- recession, corporate scandals, terrorist attacks, global war. Yet the genius of our system is that it can absorb such shocks and emerge even stronger. In a dynamic market economy, there will always be times when we experience uncertainties and fluctuations. But so long as we pursue pro-growth policies that put our faith in the American people, our economy will prosper and it will continue to be the marvel of the world.

Now I'm honored to sign the Economic Stimulus Act of 2008.”

Automatic for the Tournament – Bid #14

Portland State Vikings (23-9)
(Big Sky Conference Champions)

Automatic for the Tournament – Bid #13

Mount St. Mary’s Mountaineers (18-14)
(Northeast Conference Champions)

Oscar Predictions

Best Motion Picture

“Atonement”
“Juno”
“Michael Clayton”
“No Country For Old Men”
“There Will Be Blood”

PREDICTION: “No Country For Old Men”

Performance by Actor in A Leading Role

George Clooney “Michael Clayton”
Daniel Day-Lewis “There Will Be Blood”
Johnny Depp “Sweeney Todd”
Tommy Lee Jones “In the Valley of Elah”
Viggo Mortensen “Eastern Promises”

PREDICTION: Daniel Day-Lewis “There Will Be Blood”

Performance by Actor in A Supporting Role

Casey Affleck “The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford”
Javier Bardem “No Country For Old Men”
Hal Holbrook “Into the Wild”
Philip Seymour Hoffman “Charlie Wilson’s War”
Tom Wilkinson “Michael Clayton”

PREDICTION: Javier Bardem “No Country For Old Men”

Performance by Actress in A Leading Role

Cate Blanchett “Elizabeth: The Golden Age”
Julie Christie “Away From Her”
Marion Cotillard “La Vie en Rose”
Laura Linney “The Savages”
Ellen Page “Juno”

PREDICTION: Marion Cotillard “La Vie en Rose”

Performance by Actress in A Supporting Role

Cate Blanchett “I’m Not There”
Ruby Dee “American Gangster”
Saoirse Ronan “Atonement”
Amy Ryan “Gone Baby Gone”
Tilda Swinton “Michael Clayton”

PREDICTION: Saoirse Ronan “Atonement”

Achievement in Directing

Julian Schnabel “The Diving Bell and the Butterfly”
Jason Reitman “Juno”
Tony Gilroy “Michael Clayton”
Joel & Ethan Coen “No Country For Old Men”
Paul Thomas Anderson “The Will Be Blood”

PREDICTION: Jason Reitman “Juno”

Best Documentary Feature

“No End in Sight”
“Operation Homecoming: Writing the Wartime Experience”
“Sicko”
“Taxi to the Dark Side”
“War/Dance”

PREDICTION: “Operation Homecoming: Writing the Wartime Experience”

Best Animated Feature

“Persepolis”
“Ratatouille”
“Surf’s Up”

PREDICTION: “Ratatouille”

Best Original Screenplay

“Juno”
“Lars and the Real Girl”
“Michael Clayton”
“Ratatouille”
“The Savages”

PREDICTION: “Juno”

Best Adapted Screenplay

“Atonement”
“Away From Her”
“The Diving Bell and the Butterfly”
“No Country For Old Men”
“There Will Be Blood”

PREDICTION: “No Country For Old Men”

Automatic for the Tournament – Bid #12

Butler Bulldogs (28-3)
(Horizon League Champions)

American Idol Live Blog

Carly Smithson (24 – California)

Her ensemble is gorgeous. Unfortunately, the tattoo ruins her appearance. Her commencement is outstanding. She could easily oversing. However, she does not. She is believable. Her emotion is authentic and explosive. Within this genre, she could sell. Excellent opening performance. Simon is correct. She is an incredible singer.

Syesha Mercado (21 – Florida)

Her opening induces tears. Her opening is apocryphal. Twenty-one year olds should be upbeat. They should engage. They should not age themselves. They should not rewrite classics. The song is “Mrs. Jones.” Her performance is acceptable. She slightly oversings. However, she is not abhorrent. She merits advancement. Simon is correct. Silly reinterpretation. The crowd should boo her.

Brooke White (24 – Arizona)

Beauty school? Seriously? Obligatory Greece joke. Beauty school dropout? She is annoying. Her commencement is terrible. “You’re So Vain” was a favorite. Unfortunately, I can never listen again. Her performance continues deteriorating. She is cracking, squeaking. She is emotionless. She is insipid. This evening’s worst. America, eliminate her. Simon, you loved the endeavor? Power was nonexistent. Tempo was nonexistent. She was horrific. Anyone disagreeing is drunk.

Ramiele Malubay (20 – Florida)

Simply stated, she is gorgeous. Why the depressing song? I understand. The performance is depressing. She is scattered. She is dramatically oversinging. Her facial expressions are plastic. Her emotion is manikin. The dancing is also wretched. Consecutive pathetic performances. Randy is real. Disturbing song selection. Simon is also exact. God awful wedding song.

Kristy Lee Cook (24 - Oregon)

Guys do not want tomboys. They want marriage material. Not someone who can clean fish. Her commencement is miserable. “You’re No Good” is soulful. The ballad requires powerful emotion. She is insipid. Her cardboard chorus is childish. Given her introduction video, her cleavage is also unattractive. Simon is correct. She has potential. Potentially, she is an excellent redneck.

Amanda Overmyer (23 – Florida)

Hell’s Angels book worm? The word is oxymoron. Her Morticia Adams hair is frightening. Her intro is horrific. She sounds akin to a dying animal. Screaming is not emotion. The song does not translate. Both the performance and her wardrobe are miserable. Randy is correct. Yelling is unsavory. America, eliminate her. Simon was correct. She was inauthentic. Pathetic clothes, hair, and performance.

Alaina Whitaker (17 – Oklahoma)

Her commencement is elegant. Finally, a natural contestant. Her transition is slightly rough. However, she is packaged grace. Her appearance is enticing. Her emotion translates. Overall, she is beautiful. She merits advancement. Simon, she is aged? Aged or Overmyer’s fright? I know my choice.

Alexandrea Lushington (17 – Georgia)

The band’s introduction is perfect. The single guitar chord is melodic. Her background is distracting. She is overshadowed. With that stated, her performance is satisfactory. She encounters slight difficulty. However, she is classic. Her emotion is relatable. She deserves advancement.

Kady Malloy (18 – Oklahoma)

Her song selection is insipid. Her ensemble and performance are worse. The jelly bean top. The faux sexiness. Seriously? She is gorgeous. She has personality. I would purchase her music. Unfortunately, she is defeating herself. Her performance is reprehensible. Randy is correct. She appeared lost. Simon is also scorching. She is visually stunning and virtually inept.

Asia’h Epperson (19 – Missouri)

Her face and makeup are porcelain. Her appearance is amazing. Sadly, her performance is floundering. Her into was rocky. Amidst her transition, she cracks. She oversings the chorus. She is forcing the emotion. I cannot comprehend this season. The women are terrible. She warrants elimination.

American Idol Live Blog

Michael Johns (29 – Georgia)

Music via tennis? Seriously? His commencement is apocryphal. His emotion is forced. The chorus worsens the performance. He is drastically oversinging. He is butchering the song. Atrosious opening performance.

Jason Castro (20 - Texas)

He hates interviews? Interviews hate him. If possible, his hair has worsened. Last week, the dreadlocks were annoying. This week, they are jungle vines. His opening is acceptable. The guitar and the ambiance are unique. He channels John Mayer. The performance is slightly coffee house. However, he improves throughout. Excellent endeavor.

Luke Menard (29 – Indiana)

Excellent selection. Queen’s most underrated. His opening is outstanding. He channels Freddy Mercury. He is engaging. He is elegant. He improves throughout. He elevates an ignored selection. This evening’s finest. Simon says staged? I vehemently disagree. He was excellent.

Robbie Carrico (26 – Florida)

Excellent song selection. His opening is terrible. He is bland. He is emotionless. He is forgetting lyrics? How can you forget a classic’s lyrics? His train wreck continues. “Hot Blooded” is a carnivore song. He is a kitten. An immature, insipid, weak kitten. Simon is drunk. His vocal was unacceptable.

Danny Noriega (18 – California)

Ridiculous song selection. His emotion is contrived. His facial expressions are creepy. His train wreck deteriorates. He is annoying. He is weak. He is this season’s Sanjaya. Only the junior high children can save him. Simon, an acceptable vocal? Terrific appearance? Are you stoned? He is a girlfriend please, rod swallowing, Legally Blonde reject. He is this season’s worst.

David Hernandez (24 – Arizona)

His entrance is intriguing. The Shaft vibe is excellent. His commencement and transition are excellent. His emotion is palpable. His personality transcends. The jazzy arrangement and ensemble are perfect. Simon is correct. This evening’s finest.

Jason Yeager (28 – Texas)

Intriguing song selection. His opening is outstanding. Easily, cheesy could encompass this song. However, he is entrancing and rhythmic. He improves throughout. An excellent performance. Randy and I disagree. Karaoke? Noriega was karaoke. Pathetic karaoke. Simon says horrific? He is asinine. He is drunk at a party.

Chikezie (22 – Arizona)

His name’s translation? Something resembling Mehki Phifer. His opening is satisfactory. However, his wardrobe continues struggling. Blue and florescent green? He is engaging and upbeat. Unfortunately, he is average. His vocals are bland. His emotion is contrived. Randy, he was blazing? Potentially, before the show.

David Cook (25 – Missouri)

Given his scarf, geek is believable. His commencement is acceptable. However, his persona is frightening. His appearance is pornographic, sleazy, and unwashed. I feel akin to a twelve year old with a creepy teacher. His performance is excellent. His emotion translates. The rock vibe is scintillating. Unfortunately, his appearance is distracting. He will not sell. Women like smart men? Paula, your loneliness is obvious.

David Archuleta (17 – California)

Entrancing guitar into. “Imagine” is an iconic song. His interpretation is refreshing. Obviously, he is original. His commencement and transition are incredible. He is charismatic. His emotion is stunning. He does not oversing. He transcends the song’s legendary status. Randy is correct. Brilliant! Paula is also correct. Moving is the appropriate sentiment. Simply stated, this season’s greatest.

Automatic for the Tournament – Bid #11

Western Kentucky Hilltoppers (27-6)
(Sun Belt Conference Champions)

CNNSI Evaluates NBA Trade Deadline

WINNERS

LAKERS: The big winner by far. GM Mitch Kupchak got an All-Star caliber power forward in Gasol for basically peanuts. It puts them among the top West contenders and satisfies Kobe Bryant.

CAVS: GM Danny Ferry needed to do something and he got some interesting pieces in Wallace, Szczerbiak, Joe Smith and Delonte West. Plus, like Kupchak, he made his superstar happy.

SHAQ: The fun-loving big man was moping in Miami one day. Then, kazaam! Next thing he knows, he's in Phoenix with the fun-and-gun Suns. And he's still going to get his $20 million each of the next two seasons.

HORNETS: The NBA's surprise contender added playoff experience and strengthened their bench considerably by adding Wells and James. The only way this backfires is if Wells causes headaches in the locker room.

JASON KIDD: Like Shaq, he finds himself playing for a top contender in Dallas instead of wasting one of his final seasons for a team going nowhere. Bet that "migraine headache" is feeling much better these days.

JAZZ: It's easy to forget that they actually started this year's trade deadline frenzy. But while their deal for Korver might not have created headlines, they are 19-3 since acquiring the sharpshooter from the Sixers for Gordon Giricek.

PAT RILEY: The Heat president/coach was looking at having to pay a grumpy Shaq all that dough to clog up space on the bench the next two seasons. Now he can use the salary cap space to reload in the future and keep Dwyane Wade happy.

HAWKS FANS: Even if the Mike Bibby acquisition doesn't help end its NBA-high nine-year playoff drought, Atlanta has reason for hope. Hawks management finally agreed to make a bold move and take on salary.

LOSERS

NUGGETS: Maybe it would have been a big risk to bring Ron Artest into their combustible locker room. But with all those other Western teams loading up, didn't it make sense to give Allen Iverson and Carmelo Anthony a little more help?

ISIAH THOMAS: The embattled Knicks president/GM tried hard to find a deal for Zach Randolph, Eddy Curry, Stephon Marbury, et al., but had no luck. Gee, think he'll be hearing about it from New York fans?

GRIZZLIES FANS: With owner Michael Heisley slashing payroll in preparation for a possible sale of the franchise, GM Chris Wallace got back little in return for Gasol. Even if it helps them down the road, it's a bitter pill to swallow right now.

KIRK SNYDER: Seeking to accommodate Snyder's wishes for more playing time, the Rockets sent the seldom-used guard to the T'Wolves for Gerald Green. Nothing against Minnesota, but that's probably not what Snyder had in mind.

CELTICS: They reportedly were trying to land veteran point guard Sam Cassell to help Rajon Rondo for the playoffs. Now they have to hope notoriously tight-fisted Clippers owner Donald Sterling agrees to buy out Cassell's contract.

Automatic for the Tournament – Bid #10

Oral Roberts Golden Eagles (24-8)
(Summit League Champions)

AOL Evaluates NHL Trade Deadline

WINNERS

San Jose: The Sharks ended their search for a top defenseman when they acquired Brain Campbell from Buffalo in what was strictly a business move by the Sabres. Campbell is set to become an unrestricted free agent in July and was unable to come to terms on a new deal with the Sabres. Like it or not, Campbell now becomes the Sharks top defenseman and can expect to play almost 30 minutes a game and anchor the power play. Campbell has great offensive skills and he will definitely give the Sharks some much-needed scoring punch from the blueline.

Dallas Stars: The Stars are one of the NHL's hottest teams and by adding Richards from Tampa Bay, they've beefed up their scoring and added someone who knows the pressures of playing in the Stanley Cup playoffs. Richards was the 2004 Conn Smythe Trophy winner as the Stanley Cup playoff MVP for the Lightning. The Lightning are in the sweepstakes for the coveted No. 1 pick in the June draft and they've improved their chances of having the pick of the litter by dealing Richards.

Pittsburgh Penguins: By landing Hossa, the Penguins out-dueled Ottawa and Montreal for his services and became the only team to make a significant move in the wide-open Eastern Conference. The Penguins, who also received forward Pascal Dupuis, didn't give up that much. Angelo Esposito is a prospect whose stock has fallen, while NHL regulars Erik Christensen and Colby Armstrong are borderline top six forwards. The Thrashers also received a first-round draft pick. The heat is definitely on Hossa to show he can handle the pressure, especially since he is set to become an unrestricted free agent next summer. He has a lot to prove. He had one assist in four straight losses by Atlanta to the New York Rangers in the first round of the '07 playoffs. He joins a Penguins team that includes league scoring leader Evgeni Malkin and superstar Sidney Crosby, who has been sidelined the past several weeks with a high ankle sprain.

Washington Capitals: The Capitals added depth in goaltending in the form of Cristobal Huet, who came over from Montreal for a second-round pick in the 2009 draft. He will take some of the pressure off Olaf Kolzig as the Capitals make a push for the playoffs. And by adding Sergei Fedorov from Columbus, the Capitals added a veteran presence that will help calm nerves heading into the playoff sprint.

Colorado Avalanche: If only for hitting the replay button on the song, Living In The Past, Back To The Future. Adam Foote (from Columbus) and free agent Peter Forsberg were heroes for the Avs almost a decade ago and it's hard to imagine the Avs a) making the playoffs; and b) going deep into the post-season with the geriatric set of players in the line-up.

LOSERS

Montreal Canadiens: By dealing Huet to the Capitals, Carey Price has become Montreal's goalie of the present instead of the goalie of the future. The Habs have enough up front and on the blueline to do damage in the post-season but the pressure is squarely on the rookie Price not to let his teammates down. Montreal GM Bob Gainey said in the days leading up to the trade deadline that he wanted to add an impact forward but he failed to achieve that goal. The Canadiens lost out in the Hossa sweepstakes and it appears there was no Plan B.

Toronto Maple Leafs: Acting GM Cliff Fletcher emerged from the Air Canada Centre to say that he was pleased with his deals, four draft picks for role players Wade Belak, Chad Kilger and Hal Gill. But nobody is buying his spin. Fletcher was brought in to sweep the decks of the under-achieving talent and the trade deadline was his first big test. While he was hampered with five players with no-trade clauses, the fact remains there is too much post-deadline dead wood wearing the blue and white. As far as first steps go, it was disappointing.

Ottawa Senators: The Senators also lost out on acquiring Hossa, and all GM Bryan Murray could show for his efforts was adding Martin Lapointe from the Chicago Blackhawks for a draft pick. Lapointe will not be enough to get the Senators out of the funk they are in, leading to speculation that coach John Paddock is on a short lease. He could soon be replaced by Murray. Ottawa's biggest issue is in goal, and the mistrust the players have of Ray Emery has infected the dressing room.

Automatic for the Tournament – Bid #9

San Diego Toreros (21-13)
(West Coast Conference Champions)

Parsing Pennsylvania

Governor Ed Rendell: “You’ve got conservative whites here, and I think there are some whites who are probably not ready to vote for an African-American candidate. I believe, looking at the returns in my election, that had Lynn Swann been the identical candidate that he was — well-spoken, charismatic, good-looking — but white instead of black, instead of winning by 22 points, I would have won by 17 or so. And that (attitude) exists. But on the other hand, that is counterbalanced by Obama’s ability to bring new voters into the electoral pool.”

Automatic for the Tournament – Bid #8

George Mason Patriots (23-10)
(Colonial Athletic Association Champions)

Automatic for the Tournament – Bid #7

Siena Saints (22-10)
(Metro Atlantic Athletic Conference Champions)

American Idol Live Blog

Kristy Leigh Cook (24 – Oregon)

Her backdrop is clashing. Red flames with a green top? Apocryphal. Her performance is lackluster. She is gorgeous. However, she is sans emotion. She is sans passion. She is navigating the song. She is not singing the song. Simon is correct. Vivacious girl. Vacant performance.

Joanne Borgella (25 – New Jersey)

Second consecutive hideous commencement. Her vocals are forced. She is oversinging. These candidates must realize… you cannot manufacture emotion. Her performance is wretched. Simon is correct. These contestants are floundering.

Alaina Whitaker (16 – Oklahoma)

Elegant opening. Her vocals are enchanting. Her transition is beautiful. Perfectly, she elevates without overshadowing. Her emotion is appropriate. She does not oversing. Her conclusion is rough. She forces the energy. Despite this, her performance is terrific.

Amanda Overmyer (23 – Indiana)

Bluntly, she scares me. Her mumbling commencement is ridiculous. Her vibrating and screeching is hideous. Three packs a day? Four? She continues mumbling. She is incoherent. Her performance is hideous. Randy, fly trousers? Amanda, ghetto ass. Simon was correct. She is not Janis Joplin. Simon, she is not authentic. She is frightening. Stay? Simon, she merits elimination.

Amy Davis (25 – Indiana)

Trade show model? Seriously? One hundred Christmases? One lucky dog? Lose the clichés. Her hair is miserable. “Where the Boys Are” is entrancing and soulful. Unfortunately, she is annoying and vacant. Warm milk would be preferable. Randy was correct. Bad, boring, and bland. Simon is also correct. Dull is the appropriate response.

Brooke White (24 – Arizona)

If I were her children, I would avoid home. She is ugly. Her commencement is pathetic. She sounds wounded. Her crackling voice is annoying. She is ruining this selection. Her emotion is false. Finally, she cracks a smile. Unfortunately, her passion has been nonexistent. She warrants elimination. Randy is correct. The selection started rough. The selection remained rough.

Alexandrea Lushington (17 – Georgia)

Her entrance is cheesy. The power walk? Her commencement is wretched. “Spinning Wheel” is powerhouse. She is outhouse. The dancing is repugnant. Her emotion is annoying. This is not “Showtime at the Apollo.” She should remember that. Paula, dope outfit? You are dopey. Her suspenders and peace earring are comedic. Simon and I concur. Terrible performance.

Kady Malloy (18 – Texas)

Her Britney Spears impression is exemplary. Excellent song selection. Appropriate backdrop. Amazing wardrobe. She is gorgeous. Her emotion is palpable. Her vocals transcend. The smokehouse blues is entrancing. Great performance. Randy and I disagree. Simon is ridiculous. Night of the living dead? She translated as eighty? Stupid, stupid, stupid. God forbid, American Idol advance a beautiful, marketable artist.

Asia’h Epperson (19 – Missouri)

She slightly oversings her opening. However, she is acceptable. The performance is disintegrating. The dancing is ridiculous. The emotion is contrived. She is refined and sculpted. Unfortunately, her performance is teenage. She will advance. However, she must improve.

Ramiele Malubay (20 – Florida)

Intriguing beginning. She is classic and understated. Approachable and articulate. Her performance is entrancing. Her emotion translates. She captures the audience. She transcends the selection. She is this evening’s finest. Simon is correct. She was stellar.

Syesha Mercado (21 - Florida)

Her hair is hideous. Her opening is terrible. Rock guitar? Virtual screaming? Repugnant. She wildly oversings. Her emotion is false. She appears angry and hostile. Paula… joyful? She is painful. She is frightening. She may hurt people.

Carly Smithson (24 – California)

Her commencement is elegant. Her vocals are sultry. Unfortunately, her appearance is grotesque. Her tattoos. Her Elvira face. Her teeth. She would not sell. She is Fantasia: Season Seven. Excellent performance. Excruciating exterior.

American Idol Live Blog

David Hernandez (24 – Arizona)

Correct Simon? Good luck. His commencement is dreadful. His emotion is nonexistent. “The Midnight Hour” is soulful. He is sans soul. He is bland and vacant. Wretched opening performance. Simon, are you drunk? He was miserable.

Chikezie (22 – Arizona)

Snoop Dogg phoned. He requested your name. His attire is atrocious. Crushed orange suit? Seriously? His performance is satisfactory. However, he is boring. He is anonymous. I may sleep. Simon and I concur. The suit is hideous.

David Cook (25 – Missouri)

His appearance is creepy. His commencement is apocryphal. I am scared. His emotion is false. His performance is reprehensible. He butchers a grand anthem. He blatantly oversings. America, eliminate him. Paula, originality is overrated. He was akin to a porn star. Simon is correct. The song was incompatible. Forget, forget, forget.

Jason Yeager (28 – Texas)

Elegant commencement. Excellent song selection. “Moon River” is timeless. His backdrop and style are grand. His crooning is akin to elegant conversation. His conclusion is slippery. He should have remained seated. Overall, acceptable performance. This evening’s finest. Simon is drunk. Very cruise ship? Old Dog? Shoot Simon.

Robbie Carrico (26 – Florida)

Another exemplary selection. “One” is grand. Unfortunately, Travis Tritt phoned. He requested his appearance. His performance is outstanding. His passion translates. He channels Three Dog Knight. Paula is correct. He is authentic. Second consecutive stellar performance.

David Archuleta (17 – California)

Bizarre backdrop. Pathetic song selection. His cheesy smile is annoying. He is creepy. My overwhelming thought? Shut up child. His performance is terrible. His age and inexperience are palpable. Simon, best performance? Whatever liquid is residing within his Coke glass, I request a double.

Danny Noriega (18 – California)

Lisp. Swagger? Attitude? Two words… Rod swallower. His commencement is satisfactory. He channels Elvis. He is semi-serious and soulful. He epitomizes “Jail House Rock.” The slower conclusion is appalling. He ruins a great performance. Grotesque? Simon and I have never disagreed more. He was not perfect. However, he was not David Cook.

Luke Menard (29 – Indiana)

Intriguing selection. Subtle backdrop. He channels a lounge performance. His endeavor is satisfactory. He is not overstated. He does not force emotion. He merits advancement. His conclusion is weak. The high note is scratchy. Simon is potentially correct. Unmemorable is dangerous.

Colton Berry (18 – Virginia)

Another interesting selection. “Suspicious Minds” is a favorite. The performance is cheesy. His emotion appears false and simulated. He is sans passion and spark. I am bored. Additionally, the backdrop is hideous. His dancing conclusion is ridiculous. America, consider eliminating him. Simon is correct. He would not sell. He is irrelevant.

Garrett Haley (17 – California)

Ladies and Gentleman, Saturday Night Live’s Pat. Is he male? Is he female? His commencement is pathetic. The timing is wretched. The performance is horrific. I am contemplating violence. Randy is correct. Boring is the correct word.

Jason Castro (20 - Texas)

Ziggy Marley phoned. He requested his dreadlocks. His leopard print ensemble is hideous. He should lose the guitar. His performance is reprehensible. His emotion is cheesy. His vocals are scattered. He completely butchers “Daydream.” America, consider eliminating him. Is Paula dropping acid? Is Simon? Exemplary performance? He was terrible.

Michael Johns (29 – Georgia)

Excellent selection. His vocals are satisfactory. He attempts Jim Morrison. His emotion is acceptable. He does not oversing. He is exhilarating and soulful. Outstanding performance.

Automatic for the Tournament – Bid #6

Davidson Wildcats (26-6)
(Southern Conference Champions)

Line of the Morning

Senator Tom Daschle (D-SD)

“What it would say to the world, to the country that we'd overturn the verdict of those, of those elections would be travesty for, for the party and for the country.”

Automatic for the Tournament – Bid #5

Drake Bulldogs (28-4)
(Missouri Valley Conference Champions)

Line of the Morning

Senator Dick Durbin (D-IL)

“The basic question is not whether the president can wipe the sleep out of his or her eyes and think clearly, but the judgment that they'll use once that phone call is understood.”

Automatic for the Tournament – Bid #4

Belmont Bruins (25-8)
(Atlantic Sun Conference Champions)

Line of the Morning

Ralph Nader

“I wish we'd have Al Gore on this program someday Tim and ask him, "Why did you not become president in 2000?" And I think what he's going to tell you is he thought he did win Florida, but it was taken from him before, during and after the election from Tallahassee.”

Automatic for the Tournament – Bid #3

Austin Peay Governors (24-10)
(Ohio Valley Conference Champions)

Line of the Morning

Senator Charles Schumer (D-NY)

“Having a set rule in sand when, of course, each candidate chooses the rule at the moment that is in their self-interest, makes no sense. We ought to let this play out.”

Automatic for the Tournament – Bid #2

Winthrop Eagles (22-11)
(Big South Conference Champions)

Bernanke Chatters, Capitulates

Ben Bernanke: “The outlook for the economy has worsened in recent months and the downside risks to growth have increased. To date, the largest economic effects of the financial turmoil appear to have been on the housing market, which, as you know, has deteriorated significantly over the past two years or so.”

Automatic for the Tournament – Bid #1

Cornell Big Red (20-5)
(Ivy League Champions)

Making Snoopy Jealous

Congratulations Uno