Lohan Explodes

I stared shocked. My forte is opinion. I consume news. I process image and sound. I opine. Rarely am I silenced or stunned. Unfortunately, an episode occurred. This morning, a calamity perforated the news. Despite the situation’s magnitude, I could not react.

This morning, Lindsay Lohan was arrested. According to TMZ, Lohan’s personal assistant quit. Angry, Lohan pursued said assistant. Following a 911 call, police stopped Lohan. They administered a field sobriety test. Lohan failed and was arrested.

Subsequently, Lohan was booked and searched. Cocaine was discovered. A breathalyzer was conducted. Lohan’s blood alcohol content registered .13. Officially, Lohan was charged with drunken driving and cocaine possession. She was bonded. Immediately, she sought rehabilitation. “Addiction is a terrible and vicious disease,” said Attorney Blair Berk. “Since Lindsay transitioned to outpatient care, she has been monitored on a SCRAM bracelet and tested daily in order to support her sobriety. Throughout this period, I have received timely and accurate reports from the testing companies. Unfortunately, late yesterday I was informed that Lindsay had relapsed. The bracelet has now been removed. She is safe, out of custody and presently receiving medical care.”

On May 26, Lohan crashed her Mercedes. Allegedly, she was drunk and speeding. During her career, Lohan has visited rehab thrice. Simultaneously, she has owned Confessions of A Teenage Drama Queen, Herbie: Fully Loaded, Mean Girls, and The Parent Trap. Lohan is a consumable talent. Unfortunately, she is also a cautionary train wreck.

Celebrity foibles are entertaining. America enjoys them. Occasionally, foibles can be tragic. Lohan’s case is a debacle. As previously stated, Lohan is gorgeous. She is also exponentially talented. With that stated, Lohan is destroying herself. Her background is unsettled. Her parents are despicable. Her influences have been unfortunate. With that stated, Lohan is solely responsible. She must cleanse her life. Currently, she faces prison. If she cannot heal, death is a possibility.